An Open Letter To My Exercise Classmates

Dear Fellow Classmates:

We did it! We pulled our asses out of bed, restrained from hitting “snooze” on our alarms and made it to class. Some of us, specifically me, got here early to get a good spot. I have a perfect sightline to the mirror, which allows me to make sure I perform the exercises properly and also, don’t look like a complete fool. This is my area. It has been claimed. If you arrive once the class has started, don’t come into my space. Don’t block my view. I reserved this spot. You should head to the back, where late-comers belong.

And you, next to me, with your pilates breathing; I know the teacher said to inhale through the nose and exhale though your mouth, but you’re not in labor, cool it with the intensity. And those grunts from the back—we get it, this is difficult. But we’re lifting 2 pound weights in barre class, not 100 pound barbells in an Olympic weightlifting competition. The teacher has a headpiece on and is speaking over the sound system. You know, like public speakers and musicians do. This signifies that we want to hear their voice and no one else’s. So your commenting throughout the class is not necessary. A “woo!” every now and then if fine, if prompted by a teacher’s question, “How we doing!” But, leave the commentary for your blog.

Be aware of what is yours. Don’t sit on my mat or accidentally grab my weights. It’s not that hard. Or maybe it is, in which case, you must waste a ton of time looking for your car keys every day so bravo for even making it here. But seriously, that’s my treadmill so step off.

I see your mouth chomping on that gum and I just wonder, do you have a death sentence? Just like it’s hard to tap your head and rub your belly, it’s a challenge to chew and jump, squat and lift. Spit it out. Save yourself the embarrassment of chocking in class. Because we are working hard over here and may not have any strength left to give you the Heimlich.

If you could please not interfere with my workout, I promise to do the same of yours. I will even give you a knowing look of encouragement, all these burpees are cray, and a high five when class is done.

Glad we cleared this up. See you at the gym!