We return to Mexico where the plastic penises reign. But wait, VICKI brings a huge plastic penis gift and the ladies react to it like it’s the most offensive thing they’ve ever seen. Are not all plastic penises created equally? Apparently not.
At the restaurant, a musical theater student brings the COUPLE DUBROW to their table, they order some D-words and discuss the other D-word. TERRY apologizes for bringing up the D-word and says he would rather D-word than ever D-word.
We begin where every great story should start: brunch.
“Xanax?! Ha! We’re all on Xanax, who cares?!” shouts all the Housewives’ inner dialogue. VICKI, LYDIA, and ALEXIS take off, and TAMRA and her posse “BLESS THIS FUCKING BUILDING.”
Lines have been drawn. The friends who the ladies choose to pre-game with will become the blood-sisters they will draw swords to protect. One clan is led by the New God called “Jesus.”
LYDIA drops by HEATHER’s inside of a giant kiln to touch base over the possible magazine shoot. See, LYDIA and her husband both came from money so now they run a fake magazine.
Instead of facing the music, TAMRA rushes from the dinner table to have a solo cry and be consoled by the “Jewish Marry Poppins.” HEATHER’s purse did always seem to be holding an endless supply of items, but, in a Jewish kind of way.
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewivess that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:
MALOOF, dressed up for a ‘Saturday Night Fever’ party and not for an “I’m getting divorced lay low with my children night,” decides to show up to VANDERPUMP’s party.
This is what we call a Zinger! Cue Satan’s laugh track.