Intro To A Boner

An erotic one-act pantomime play from which carnal knowledge is got, with digressive phallic metaphor and symbolic patricide.

Real Doll vs. Real Dog

Man’s best friend, and his non-sentient lover, are more similar than one would think, subtleties clarified herein for this unnecessary problem. For the purposes of narrative, our real doll and real dog have been named Rosie and Baxter, respectively.

Dear Depressive: Rhetorical Questions Answered

The following are abrasive rhetorical questions concerning this Depressive’s anatomy and sexual prowess, asked sarcastically at his formspring account, slightly edited for formality.

Bedding Complexities Explained

Necessity was the mother of invention, now consumerism is. A recent trip to Bed Bath & Beyond overwhelmed me so much, I did some subsequent research and have compiled the ultimate guide to bedding.

Meta-Contextual Article About Its Composition

The writer of this article is suffering from allergies, and has blown his nose into the same paper napkin 4 – 5 times, depositing more mucous than napkin was designed to handle. The setting western sun throws itself as some intimate cosmic slut onto two people before me.

History of Mom Jeans

In the late 20th century, perhaps as existential concession to the futility of remaining attractive after marriage, and in part due to the late capitalist compulsion to buy crap indiscriminately, something awful happened known as Mom Jeans.

Burrito Threesome

Men are boring, and will always be. After dinner he’ll try to kiss you, and you may concede, lightly leaning in with mild acceptance, your lips pensively sealed as you feel a tepid patch of wet on your cheek, a lost ship moving towards the mouth. You will become a name he’ll ask about years later, a face he never dared to see on his pillow thinned out by a million lies.

Suburban Dictionary

Our colloquially disenfranchised youth of the suburbs deserve a voice not observed by the more gritty Urban Dictionary; and so, we hereby inaugurate Suburban Dictionary, offering its first entries.

Baseball Courtship Metaphors

Second base, per Wikipedia, is “tactile stimulation of genitalia”; this does not mention if such stimulation needs to be direct contact with flesh. For example, if a guy “dry humps” a woman who’s wearing denim overalls or a ski-jacket, can he consider himself at second base? At what point does the article of clothing’s thickness preclude second base?

Dear Depressive: What Do I Eat Tonight?

I know how you feel, sorry buddy. Your dopamine levels are really low, and you need some reward signaling mechanism in your brain quick – and this calls for high levels of saturated fat and sodium. Tonight you will eat what I eat when I’m depressed: Death Crunch.