Recruiting A Team To Join Me On An Art Heist

I know art heists are bad. So are shark attacks, though. And just because shark attacks are bad doesn’t change the fact that I love Jaws and will continue to watch it every summer when it comes on SpikeTV or whatever.

Watching The Craft On Fast Forward

Witch-off! Vicki Valencourt’s hair turns to snakes, maybe. They’re talking a lot. Lot of angst. Then all hell breaks loose. Empire Records just disappeared. VV whipped out a huge knife? INSANITY! INSANITY! Something just happened! Too fast. Not sure.

Famous Authors Rewrite The Bagel Bites Song

It’s part of this world we grew up in, dominated by advertisers, where we are shown (repeatedly, constantly, to the point of near perpetuity) the same jingoistic songs, the “He likes it! Hey Mikey!” repetitions that come part and parcel with being (growing up, living) as an American.

The Music Snob’s Lament

One of the biggest disappointments in my life thus far has been finding out how little this is true. In the grand scheme of things, no one really cares what I listen to.

The Art Of Chaperoning A High School Dance

Being that I was one of two people in the dorm who knew how to tie a tie, I was called into service for the better part of two hours helping the boys get ready. Too much cologne was sprayed. I took about 2300 photos.

The World’s Worst Wedding Speech

I’m “the problem kid” and I “need to get a job” and I “need to stop living in the basement” and I “shouldn’t look at my cousin like that.”