Famous Authors Rewrite The Bagel Bites Song


Co-authored by Zack Sandman and Jeff Sandman

The Original

Pizza in the morning. / Pizza in the evening. / Pizza at suppertime. / When pizza’s on a bagel, / you can eat pizza anytime.


Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at suppertime. When a man looks in the eyes of a charging bull, and knows himself, and knows that he is alive, and full, then, and only then…can he eat pizza anytime.


‘Tis evening — dost I dare eat a bagel? / For morning cometh and I shall eat one then. / When pizza sits atop a breakfast bagel, / tyme has no place in guiding when to eat.

Bret Easton Ellis

Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat it, all while doing a line of blow and mindlessly fucking a hooker in a three thousand dollar Armani suit.


Pizza eyn the morne. Pizza eyn the eve. Pizza eyn suppere tyme. But now, sire, — lat me se — what I shal seyn. A ha! by God, I have my tale ageyn. There shal be pizza faire any tyme!


When the peetsa go tumbledownfall theselse into yer mouth, come eve err ning, come suppah, then the taste goes hurtleturtled out of heaven from swerve of shore to bend of bay. Ay but then the peetsa come on a bay gull, ay then it goes hobbledeedink anytime!

Ayn Rand

Pizza in the morning. Pizza in the evening. Pizza at suppertime. When pizza’s on a bagel, you should only eat that bagel if you are a mammoth among men, a hero, a giant who holds the world on his shoulders, blood running down your chest, your knees buckling, your arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of your strength… you and only you should have the need, the right, to eat that pizza anytime.

David Foster Wallace

So I guess what happens is that there is pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at, well, you can finish the rest. You know the jingle. We all do. It’s part of this world we grew up in, dominated by advertisers, where we are shown (repeatedly, constantly, to the point of near perpetuity) the same jingoistic songs, the “He likes it! Hey Mikey!” repetitions that come part and parcel with being (growing up, living) as an American. W/r/t the pizza…well, yes, you can eat it at any time. But in doing so, aren’t you sort of complying with the very world these ads are creating by/about/for us? From the start? And do we comply with this assertion that pizza, when put on a bagel, sort of exempts itself from the daily schedule of our lives (the breakfast/lunch/dinner paradigm laid out by 1950s Leave It To Beaver, etc.) and thus tries to (in a weird way) undermine the very advertising culture it itself belongs to? And should we even care? 

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