Thought.is

I by accidentally sexted the manager at the Swiss Chalet I worked at

4. Among the many Shakespearean curse words that frequent Shakespeare’s plays are “marry,” which translates to “shit” and implies swearing on the Virgin Mary

One time when I had a stomach flu I thought I only had to fart.

We were still only 14, but it didn’t matter, because my eyebrows were as thin as Nicole Richie’s collarbone and I had myself a red Motorola flip phone.

Ideally you’ll be driving a BMW, Mercedes, or something of that stature, but if you find yourself in an Acura pickle, don’t worry, I got you covered.

More American soldiers die from suicide than from fighting in combat.

I was talking about genres of literature to my 3rd graders and I said something along the lines of, “Fantasy is something made up or that couldn’t happen, like Santa Claus.”

Like most of my dreams ever night of my life, a world teeming with anarchy and trench warfare figured prominently.

And although Bob Saget isn’t an insult comic, I still get insulted when people call him a comic.

1. J.W. Anderson halter for men. And I don’t hate it. Especially not on this model.