Beards Are Disgusting

It is my opinion that beards are a vicious plague and one of the most repulsive things a man can have on his face. I am extremely passionate about this issue.

My now-defunct OKCupid profile let everyone know loud and clear how I felt about disgusting facial rugs:

I always thought the reason I hardly ever received messages was due to the fact that my physical appearance wasn’t desirable to most men, but I now figure it was at least half due to the fact that nearly every dude is sporting that gross shit on their faces these days.

Apparently this causes outrage among all the Butthurt Beardsplainers out there. What’s the matter—can’t take a little beardshaming? Have to reply with some pathetic retaliatory shaveshaming?

I pretty much only have two solid rules when it comes to potential suitors:

• No betas.
• No beards.

In our modern world, the latter is generally a hallmark of the former; therefore, avoiding them entirely seems to be my best bet.

But as with many rules, there are the few exceptions. Once in a blue moon, I will see an otherwise attractive, charming man with a furry face and think: “Eh, I guess I could look past that” and bestow upon him what I like to call a “Beard Pass.”

Beard Passes are such a rare occurrence that I racked my brain for what seemed like an eternity to hopefully include five examples for this article, but I could only muster up three. But these three gentlemen are entirely worthy of the not-so-coveted Hunter Riley Beard Pass and are possibly the only three that matter.

In no particular order:

1. Thor

Sweet, sweet Norse god. There aren’t many words to say about this bearded mythological character. His slightly unkempt face is but a slight distraction. The real focal point is a tie between his chiseled body and icy blue eyes. Odin’s son also gets a Blond Pass because generally I do not trust adult blond men.

While I cannot deny the bearded blond beauty of Thor, I am going to be honest and admit that I’ve always preferred his raven-haired, clean-shaven brother Loki, the trickster.

2. A young Jesco White

Another long-haired babe with a cold-blue stare. “The Dancing Outlaw” was certainly a prime specimen back in the day. Pure hillbilly hotness radiates off of him. He has served as fantasy material more often than not in the past few years.

Jesco has a charming voice that would make any beard or other facial deformity a complete afterthought. I could listen to that sultry Boone County twang all day and be floating on marijuana cloud nine.

For my next birthday, I’d like a time machine and a plane ticket to Appalachia. I’d huff gasoline with him any day.

3. David Lochary

So maybe this isn’t technically a “beard,” but I have chosen to include it because it is facial hair nonetheless.

David Lochary, one of the star players in John Waters’s earliest (and best) films, has been one of my biggest “celebrity crushes” since I first laid my twelve-year-old eyes on his beautiful electric blue hair and comic-book-villain mustache in Pink Flamingos. I even turned a still from that movie into a custom phone case that gets commented on pretty frequently. If David hadn’t died a ridiculous PCP-related death back in ’77, we would have undoubtedly been graced with his angelic mustachioed face in a handful more Dreamlander films.

He pulled off the ’stache so well that I would hope were he alive today, he would still be rockin’ it well into his sixties.

Tragically, I could never put any of these Beard Passes to the test, as none of the aforementioned hotties are men that can exist for me outside of silly daydreams. But that’s OK—I’ll be sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for Beardageddon to happen so all those stinky beards will go up in flames.