Five Ways to Get Killed on Black Friday


Black Friday means no rules. Some people misinterpret it to mean “deep discounts,” but that’s not entirely accurate. The $100 flat screen TVs and truckloads of Silly Bandz are merely a distraction. In truth, Black Friday is a dry run for the end of days. And as far as dry runs go, the masses fail miserably–and on a grander scale–each year. Shoppers are trampled, injured, bloodied, and even killed. The scenes that play out in Target, Wal-Mart, and Best Buy stores across the country are of course ugly, and fairly revolting. But imagine how different these scenarios would be if instead of $1 DVDs, actual human survival was at stake? In short, it would be a blood bath.

Bedlam in Wal-Mart (2009)

This is what happens when shoppers are informed they will save money on an item they wish to purchase. They lose their fucking minds. Notions of decency and respect are immediately disregarded, and an every-man-for-himself approach takes hold. Children wiggle and scream, women dive headfirst into seething mobs, men squat into defensive positions and grunt and punch, and the elderly curse this modern era they now live in.