Buzzwords In The Bedroom

1. “Hey! What’re you doing back there? Is that your pinkie again? I told you, you need to keep me in the loop if you’re going to try any butt stuff.”

2. “Go down on you again? Tonight? RIGHT NOW? I’m sorry, that’s out of scope. If you want me to go again, you’re going to have to circle back and do the same. Quid pro quo.”

3. “I think it’s apparent that you didn’t even take the time to leaf through that deck I sent out about how to make a girl squirt. I burned a lot of brain cells on that and you act like you don’t even have the bandwidth to give it a perusal, let alone a legitimate analysis.”

4. “Next steps are going to be as follows: cuddling, showering, doing it again, eating and hydrating, sleeping, morning sex. Timetable is flexible. I’m out of the office tomorrow, so we can sleep in.”

5. “Look, the deliverables we agreed on were at least one orgasm each, and we’re not clocking out until then. These are all billable hours, so we can take our time.”

6. “What’s the status on your boner potential? Still too drunk to make it happen before end-of-day?”

7. “There are a few new moves you have going on here that I’m intrigued by, and inversely some room for improvement in certain areas—mostly process—but we’ll debrief on Monday.”

8. “I would really like to see a more fleshed-out version of what you’re currently doing re: cunnilingus.”

9. “I’ve got some news for your buddy. If my period isn’t over by EOW, somebody’s getting his Red Wings.”

10. “Look, without lube, we’re not going to be able to keep going at it like this. It’s simply not sustainable. We need to adhere to best practices.”

11. “In the interest of transparency, I feel like I should let you know that I have not had a vaginal orgasm in, like, eight fiscal quarters.”

12. “Jesus Christ! Your breasts are…well, they’re certainly robust. They seem like they have a lot to offer.”

13. “Whoa! Is that your tongue in my butt? Way to think outside the box! Even though the salad-tossing has been trending lately.” (Note: Box is a slang term for vagina so this one works on multiple levels!)

14. “I just want to make sure we’re aligned on what we want out of this: no anal, and no sleepovers. I don’t want you coming back here a month from now with a toothbrush in tow.”

15. “Look, I already told you that I’m not letting you give me a facial if you keep insisting on calling it a ‘brainstorm.’”

16. “I appreciate that you’re touching base a lot, but keep in mind that I also really enjoy it when you tongue my balls. You don’t always have to shy away from the low-hanging fruit.”

17. “Sorry that I hit you in the eye with my unexpected residuals. Somedays you just have a surplus, you know?”

18. “Wow, your dick is small. No wonder they call you the point-person. Whatever, pencil it in anyway.”

19. “Look, you get your prostate stimulated, I get to brag to my friends that I have ‘pegged’ a guy. That’s a win-win, right there.”

20. “I’m going to be offline for a few days, so I bought you this Fleshlight. But don’t look at porn. Use your Spank Bank.”

21. “That mutual orgasm was mind-blowing. See? When we aren’t thinking too hard about it, that’s when the real synergy happens!”