Every Presidential Election That I’ve Lived Through


Nota bene: This is all true, and yes, I backed every wrong Presidential candidate ever, except for once. Also, I forget why I wrote this in the third-person, but maybe it was to distance myself from the horror of it all. Also also: I am old. Also also also: I still slightly stand by voting for Perot, because I liked that crazy little munchkin. And a special note to you “millennial” kids, if you have no idea who or what a “Perot” or a “Mondale” is, be sure to ask your parents.


1984: After convincing his entire elementary school class to vote in the ‘mock primaries’ for… lady’s man Gary Hart, Oliver quickly loses all political credibility — thus beginning, at the age of nine, a downward spiral that he will never recover from. Later that same year, he casts one of only three votes for Walter Mondale in the ‘mock election,’ and witnesses a Reagan landslide. Amusingly enough, “three” = exact number of electoral votes that Mondale actually receives.*

1988: Has long hair, wears ripped clothes, does not answer questions when directly spoken to, scribbles haiku in notebooks, does not care about politics. When asked his thoughts on the upcoming Bush/Dukakis election, Oliver thinks and finally replies, “That’s so bourgeois.”

1992: Wears a ‘Perot in ’92’ button to high school. Amazingly, there are no girlfriends in sight for Mr. Miller at this time.

1996: In the second most embarrassing incident of Oliver’s entire life, he votes for Bob Dole. The first most embarrassing incident of Oliver’s entire life involves: (1) his grandfather; (2) masturbation.

2000: Gets drunk in bar while watching election returns, tries and fails to write a short story about the election/bar-room conversations going on around him, cannot believe the evidence of Bush’s victory unfolding before his own eyes. Plus, in what seems to him to be the final insult, the bar is out of Yuengling.

2004: Makes overconfident phone calls to friends based on supposed “inside information” from the DNC. House-sits, studies for “Future Possesory Estates” law exam. While watching the election on TV, Oliver also plays the “President Forever” video game/ election simulator. While playing the video game, he marshals all his Democratic party resources correctly, uncovers and informs the press as to shocking scandals involving video game President Bush, defeats video-game Bush in all debates, and yet loses to video-game Bush at 2 a.m. (video game time) because he fails to carry the great state of… Hawaii. Final electoral score — Video game Kerry: 268, Video game Bush: 270.

After this disheartening simulated loss, Oliver gets badly freaked out. He makes phone calls to friends at Kerry Headquarters. Gets more freaked out. Turns off the TV in an attempt to “reverse jinx” the entire election. Turns TV back on. Makes overconfident phone calls to friends based on inaccurate predictions about certain counties in Ohio. Curses at TV. Drinks. Sleeps.

2008: The only good election ever. …Gobama!

2012 (projected): Moves to Quebec in protest of a Romney victory, but fails to master irregular French verbs.

(*Unfunny editorial correction: Mondale actually got 13 electoral votes.)


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image – CBS News