Everything I Understand About ‘Star Wars’ From Never Having Seen Any Of The Films

First I will say this: please calm down. I have no valid reason as to why I have never seen any of the Star Wars films, and I’m sorry for offending you. When people tell me they have never read Harry Potter, I smack them across the face, so I understand where you’re coming from. But this is my life, and I need you to accept me for who I am.

I don’t know how my life got so out of control like this. I’ve seen every Twilight movie damnit, I watched Jacob fall in love with a baby. I once accidentally watched Glitter in its entirety, because I kept waiting for it to be over and it didn’t stop. In 2005 I ordered From Justin to Kelly via Netflix’s mail service and I put it in my DVD player and I watched the crap out of it. So I cannot tell you why I never had time to squeeze a few Star Wars episodes in there. Call it bad parenting, call it a lack of responsibility on the part of my friends, call it overall negligence from my loved ones.

But despite never having seen any of the films, I’ve picked up a lot of things along the way. Because you can’t live in this world and not know something about these movies. So, in honor of the most recent film being released, here is everything I know about Star Wars without having ever seen a single movie:

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad. He used to be named Anakin Skywalker and then some shit happened and now he’s evil. Natalie Portman makes an appearance in here somewhere, no? Anakin’s love interest? Luke’s mother? Nailed it.

James Earl Jones is the voice of Darth Vader, I’m pretty sure. Not looking anything up because I’m refusing to cheat. All I know is that this means Darth Vader and Mufasa are basically the same person/lion.

Lightsabers are a thing. Sometimes they’re green, sometimes they’re red. Could we not have some consistency here, please? Unless the colors correspond to whether you’re good or evil. Which, in that case, brilliant marketing and identity shaping. The lightsabers look like tiny phallic-shaped objects, and then something happens and the light just automatically shoots out and then people start sword fighting but it just looks like they’re dancing in a rave somewhere in Copenhagen, Denmark.

There are these beings called Storm Troopers and I honestly don’t know if they’re good or bad but I’m guessing they’re bad because they march like Nazis. Are they wearing costumes? Is it like Disney World where there are sad, sweaty, mistreated people underneath the heavy armor? Or are these things just machines that have no conscience and shoot people with guns? They have guns right? If there are guns, what the hell is the point of a lightsaber? Seems a little obsolete.

Princess Leia and Luke either have an intense Ross and Rachel situation going on or they are siblings. Are they siblings? I feel like I heard that they’re siblings. When I picture Luke, I picture a Furby’s face on a human’s body – that dude has some serious baby blues.

Here’s what I know about Princess Leia: she spends the majority of her time in a white gospel singer robe, and when she’s not wearing that, she’s wearing the bestselling slave costume from Party City. Her hair is made out of two cinnamon buns, and she spent a decent amount of time being stuck at the feet of Jabba the Hut. My older sister calls me Jabba the Hut when we get in name-calling arguments. I am aware that he looks like a large piece of diarrhea, and I applaud her on her creativity.

Ewoks are sweet, fuzzy little creatures that look like my shih tzu. Doesn’t sound like they cause too much trouble, but I don’t recall them having a point. Comic relief? Maybe a pet for Luke and other lightsaber-wielding friends?

At some point Ewan McGregor pops up wearing a monk costume and looking pissed off. No sign of the gorgeous chestnut hair from Moulin Rouge that I used to I drool over as a high school freshman. Not sure where he fits into all of this, or how his beard keeps changing colors. Sometimes it’s ginger, sometimes it’s NOT. Wtf. Is this a plot point? I’m sure it is.

R2D2 is like an intelligent-looking trash can who keeps rubbing it in everyone else’s face that he doesn’t need Heelys to get around smoothly. You have built-in wheels, we get it. R2D2 is a good guy and his technical nature is reminiscent of a boom box I had in my basement in the early 2000s.

Chewbacca is a large, hairy, gentle giant who is constantly constipated. He is like a loyal body guard with a full-length wig. I am nearly positive that his nickname is Chewy, in honor of Chelsea Handler’s assistant.

Yoda exists merely to make every person on this Earth convinced that they are good at impressions. He’s green and old and has large ears and is less of a try-hard than Dobby. Speaks like this, he does. The worst, it is.

Harrison Ford is Hans Solo and he wears a brown vest and looks angry a lot, like he does in most other films. He’s a good guy, flanked by his posse of Chewy, Yoda, and R2D2.

Darth Vader wants to take over the galaxy (with his army of Storm Troopers?) And everyone else is not into that idea. So assuming this follows the layout of the hero’s journey, this whole franchise is about destroying Darth Vader and all evil associated with him. And this time around, the main hero is a girl, right? Or are they just getting my hopes up in all these previews I keep seeing? Hopefully not. Because as the great Tina Fey once said, “Bitches get shit done.” Bye.