How You Speak to Your Ex-Boyfriend Versus How You Want to Speak to Your Ex-Boyfriend



See him on the street when all you want is a coffee.

“Hey! It’s great to see you.” You hug him and feel his body for the first time since you used to feel it every day.

You hate this. He hates this but for some reason you end up getting drinks.

You both get two Mimosas-the first one because you need it and the second one because you want it- and smile at each other inappropriately. Ask him questions about his new boyfriend-the one that farms and who you’ve already judged on Facebook-and know that his response will be a partial lie.

It’s important that you tell him that everything is going great in your life. Your job is great, the best friend that he used to know so well? She’s great, thanks for asking. She has a job at Yelp, it’s apparently really cool.

Talk about the new person you’re dating. Make thinly-veiled references to the wonderful sex you’ve been having and pretend you like this new person more than you do.

Think about him naked or don’t. The sexual tension is the uninvited guest-the guest you resent but ultimately don’t mind.

After the second drink, he’ll make a very basic apology about how things ended. You’ll be quick to say “It’s fine” even though oh my god, you hate his fucking guts. He was so moody, so distant, did he realize that?

You clench your teeth and get annoyed by all the bullshit that’s coming out of his mouth. You make notes on the things he’s telling you: “That’s a literal lie”, “You don’t believe that”, “Why are you still talking?” But you never vocalize these thoughts because it’s uncomfortable, you’re both too sober, you don’t have the right.

You begin to feel like a marionette being pulled by strings. Your voice, his voice: it all starts to sound like the gibberish you heard on the Charlie Brown cartoons.

You’re getting anxious now, can’t decide whether to fuck him or kill him. You decide against both and get the check.

Your expressions are both pained as you pay, your only solace being that he hates this a little more than you do because he was the asshole, remember?

You can’t get out of that place fast enough. You hug him goodbye a few seconds too long and wonder when he’ll no longer be able to make you wince.

You decide that today is not the day for progress. You run back to your apartment, get stoned and lie in bed listening to sad songs all day. Maybe you’ll order pad thai later.


You see him on the street while walking with your new boyfriend, the one who gives you multiple orgasms a day and has an amazing penis. Introduce New Lust to Old Love with confidence.

You say: Oh hey. I’m so glad I ran into you while walking with my new sexy boyfriend.

He says: Yes, he is a dreamboat. I would sleep with him and that makes me feel very jealous.

You say:  I understand and appreciate your feelings of envy. New Lust, you can go now.

New Lust leaves.

He says: How are things?

You say: Well, actually they are kind of weird. I miss you all the time and I try to drown out the feelings with the amazing sex I’ve been having but it’s not really working.

He says: Yeah, I miss you too but I think it’s only because I can’t have you right now.

I actually could never love you the way you loved me and I felt guilty all the time.

You say: That’s weird. I didn’t know it was possible for you to feel guilt or any other human emotion.

He says: Shut up and just ask me how I’m doing already.

You say: Fine.   How are things with you? Please tell me that they’re terrible. That’s the only answer I’ll be able to handle emotionally.

He says: They’re good actually. I’m dating this farmer guy.

You say: I know. I saw his profile on Facebook. I’m cuter than him.

He says: Yeah, you are but I love him. I even topped him the other day, which is something I never wanted to do with you.

You say: That makes me physically ill. I actually hate you.

He says: Want to have sex?

You say: Fine.

So you do. You bring him back to your apartment and you have sex with him. It feels exactly how it should: forbidden, exciting and familiar. You cum twice.

For a moment, you think about getting back together because he’s lying naked next to you and it could make sense I guess. But then he gets out of bed to roll a joint, leaving you exposed and feeling stupid and it answers all the questions for you.

You smoke a joint together and order pad thai. He gets up to leave and you call him an asshole.

He says: I know.

You’re left feeling sick. You decide that today isn’t a day for progress. You get more stoned and turn on some sad songs. Maybe you’ll throw out the plates of pad thai later.