Grindr 101


Locating a gay man on a tiny computer has been made easier than ever before thanks to Grindr-an iPhone app that promises to deliver semi-accurate estimations of homosexuals in proximity to you. To use it, simply open your iPhone and go to the application store. Look for the application Grindr, and download it. Beware, there are many homosexuals near you.

Once you get logged in, starting conversations with nearby homosexuals is incredibly easy, you just need to learn how to talk to them. My studies suggest that they do indeed speak in a form of “code”. Unbeknownst to them, myself and other insiders have translated their tricky language, and are now ready to publish our findings within this article. First, you should know that getting any type of dialogue going is virtually impossible if you do not have a “pic” – ah, tricky. Pic stands for picture. Shockingly, most of them want pictures of your face, and not of your diseased groin. So make sure you send them something – or you won’t get any information out of them at all. I like to use ex-boyfriend headshots, but a quick Google search for “twink” usually gives them what they’re looking for. Twink, is apparently not associated with the scrumptious chocolate confection Twinkie. It is however a very thin young boy who can be quite disturbing to look at – but it is in their nature to deceive the impressionable youth. Also, you will encounter phrases like – “What are you looking for?”. This vague and disturbing question is referring to anal, oral, and other perverse sexual activities. You’ll find that some homosexuals are looking to play the role of a woman during intercourse, while others may want to pretend to be a man and “do the deed”. Try saying you are “looking for ski lessons while you ride BB on the DL with NSA”. You don’t need / want to know what that means, but it will work – every time.

You may find great luck in catching the attention of many homosexuals near you by using the terms “cum” and “pig” together in your profile. From what I have come to understand, this is a creature who wants to eat and (probably) roll around in exorbitant amounts of male semen. Clever as the terminology may be, word play cannot save your soul. I have also observed characters advertising themselves as a “cum dumpster”. Not sure yet what that one is all about. It must be some sort of receptacle for male semen? You will experience being called “Bro” and “Dude”. Many men will greet you with “Sup”. If you receive a “Sup Bro”, you’re in luck! This means that a fairy has decided to role play with you as if you’re both real men. From here, you just need to use the right language and send crude photography. The possibilities with this tiny homosexual-finding computer are not only exciting and safe, but they’re also potentially a great tool to access homosexuals directly, in attempt to find some remnants of humanity that may be worth saving. Just be careful! If you find a homosexual within 600 feet of you, you may very well be at risk of attack, which could lead to such problems as being forced to inhale “poppers”-a type of poisonous paint thinner used by homosexuals to confuse their prey.

It is unclear whether homosexual practices like Bestiality, Incest, Adult Baby Role Play, and Dendrophilia are openly discussed while chatting on Grindr or something that you get into upon introduction.  These are dark times, but they’re getting better. The shrouded world of the homosexual has been illuminated by fantastic high-tech dating machines. As Jesus said while dying on the cross in agony for your sins, (but not the sins of homosexuals) – “With great power comes great responsibility.” Be smart, be willing, and most of all – be safe.

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