Here’s What Would Happen On A Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Starring The Thought Catalog Staff Writers: Episode Two
Next to the pool with their dresses hiked up and their feet in the cool, blue water, Heidi, Kim, and Katie are talking.
“You’re really hard to read. You don’t think that’s going to be a problem when we have such a short time to get to know someone?” Heidi bluntly asks Katie.
Katie doesn’t blink. “I don’t understand the question.”
Kim laughs out loud. “Don’t worry! That completely answers it!”
She and Heidi jokingly “cheers” behind Katie’s back. Katie still, doesn’t seem fazed.
After asking him about his craziest college memory, Mélanie is interrupted by Kirsten who apologizes profusely as Mélanie over and over says how it’s so not a big deal. She and the Bachelor talk charity, and Kirsten can’t help but gush about the different organizations she’s involved with and how they’ve completely changed her life.
But back in the house, Kendra has Becca and Lauren sipping white wine in the kitchen.
“So,” she begins. “How was your guys’ little chat out there?” she coaxes Lauren.
Lauren shrugs sweetly. “I don’t know!”
Becca takes an unspoken cue from Kendra, dutifully sipping her white wine. “Oh come on! How was it?”
Lauren blushes. “It was like…really good? I don’t know! I know this sounds crazy but I’ve never felt that comfortable with someone that quickly. It was kind of…magical.”
The other girls awww as if on cue.
“That’s cute! We haven’t really talked yet…” Becca trails off.
Lauren looks down at her glass. “He seems really great,” she says softly.
“So like,” Kendra presses. “Were there sparks?”
Lauren shrugs again.
“Oh my god, come on!”
Becca nods, “Yeah! Come on, Lauren. Tell us.”
“I don’t know but the first impression I got…” Becca cuts her off. Kendra smiles into her wine.
“Really? You think you might get the first impression rose?”
Lauren shrugs yet again. “I don’t want to say yes but maybe?”
Kendra puts her wine down, feigning surprise.
“Oh…you haven’t heard?”
—
Out with our Bachelor is Holly, who cut Kirsten off as she started to explain charity number 4 she loves being a part of. He and Holly are involved in a semi-PG-13 game of Never Have I Ever. It’s clear he’s intimidated. Nicole saves him by sweetly asking if they can take a walk together. She’s still clearly holding something back, but when he puts his arm around her shoulders she can’t help but lean in.
Ari has joined Heidi, Kim and Katie by the pool. The four are sharing various dating horror stories (each of them agrees comedians are a red flag) when Lauren hurries up to the group.
“Ari, why didn’t you tell anyone you got the first impression rose!”
The group falls immediately silent.
Ari struggles to find her words. Heidi jumps in to her side.
“It’s not like you’re obligated, of course. But aren’t you excited?”
Ari nods. “I mean obviously. But it’s the first night, and I didn’t want to start anything.”
“That sort of is how this works,” Heidi laughs.
Lauren crosses her arms, obviously a little flustered and not satisfied. “I’m not mad,” she overly emphasizes mad. “And I’m not trying to ‘start’ anything.”
Ari blinks at her, a little taken aback. “I wasn’t saying…”
“It’s just,” Lauren pauses. “If he just gave you a rose, why wouldn’t you say anything? Did something else happen?”
They all look to Ari, who doesn’t say anything.
“Oh my god you totally kissed,” Heidi points out.
Katie nods. “Definitely kissed.”
—
In the kitchen, Kendra is perched on the island while Becca leans against the sink.
“We’re so going home,” Kendra jokes.
Becca shakes her head. “Probably. I mean, I don’t want to. But it’s almost the end of the night and I haven’t talked to him so like, why would he keep me? Ya know?”
Becca’s cheeks are flushed and her sentences are blending together. It’s obvious the wine is hitting her a little hard.
“I mean,” she continues, and Kendra lets her. “I’m wearing fucking (srry standards) spanx for this. Do you know what that feels like? Before this I was in Thailand for a month where I never wore makeup and nobody cared and uggghhhhh. This is just, just, just…” she’s obviously lost where she was going.
“It’s bullshit,” Kendra jumps in, helping her out.
Becca points at her. “Yes. Exactly. You get it.”
Kendra nods, “I so get it.”
Becca shakes out her hair. “But like, now what? It’s obviously he doesn’t even know who the fuck I am. So now what?”
Kendra shrugs. “I say go out with a bang.”
Becca cocks her head to one side. “Yeah?”
“Yeah I mean,” Kendra says, “What do you have to lose? I’m going to go tell him exactly what I think about all this. You should just make a big impression. A lasting impression. Go out with a fucking bang, dude.”
Becca nods, Kendra’s words processing.
“You’re right. I’m gonna do it. Thank you, like seriously. Thank you.”
Becca wanders out of the kitchen and Kendra dumps the wine she was barely touching in the sink, smiling in the direction of the producer we cannot see.
—
Out by the pool Bianca and the Bachelor are having a hushed conversation when Kendra sidles up to them.
“Having a good night?”
They both smile.
“It’s definitely interesting,” Bianca says, slightly shivering. The Bachelor fondly squeezes one of her shoulders.
“Go warm up by the fire,” he says. “I’ll meet you there in a minute.”
Bianca affectionately squeezes the hand on her shoulder and makes her way back up. Kendra lingers.
“So let’s cut the bullshit,” she says. He laughs at her directness.
“How is this night really going? You can tell me.”
He rubs his facial stubble thoughtfully.
“You’re used to getting what you want, aren’t you?”
She shrugs playfully. “Maybe a little.”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Becca scampers into sight on the opposite side of the pool.
“YOU GUYS ARE SO BORING!” She calls out.
Everyone stares at her with wide eyes. Heidi tries to help her out.
“Becca, why don’t we step away from the water with our probably rented evening gown. Yeah?”
Becca scoffs. “Hell NO. Let’s ACTUALLY do something instead of just sitting around being gossipy and BOOORRRING.” She takes another unneeded pull of wine.
The Bachelor looks uncomfortable. “Is she okay?”
Kendra shakes her head. “I guess she hit the wine a little hard tonight. It happens to the best of us.”
Becca lets out an enthusiastic woo. Heidi tries one more time.
“Becca! Come back over here!”
But Becca ignores her. She hikes up the skirt of her evening gown, and lunges towards the pool. Everyone gasps and stares in disbelief.
When her head pops up above water, she laughs as one fake eyelash droops to the side.
“WOOOOOO!” She cheers.
The Bachelor looks at Kendra with a forced smile.
“I mean…woo?”
She laughs and playfully pushes his chest. “At least now you can’t say the night wasn’t at least a little interesting.”