How To Dress Like A College Student


Note: This does not include liberal arts colleges. Those places are usually very Marc Jacobs trust fund chic.

Think of college as being a four year pajama party. You just want to be comfortable even if it means scaring every person who’s around you. Run into your Women’s Studies class ten minutes late wearing sweatpants, Uggs, a tank top and a rat’s nest of hair. Look around the room and see ten other girls wearing the same thing. Take pride in being anti-fashion and pro-functional.

Be a stoner and describe your style as being Hippie Fabulous. Girls will wear long flowy skirts, a generic tank top and have dreads. They won’t shave their armpits and they’ll wear Tom’s deodorant (OMG, the mercury!), which means that they will smell bad all the time. Being Hippie Fabulous means shunning high fashion and general good taste with gusto. Consumerism is gross. You just spend your money on the essentials: Weed, beanies, and the occasional hallucinogen.

If you’re a boy who’s Hippie Fabulous, you’ll wear ripped light denim jeans with a Bob Marley shirt or something with a controversial quote. You will smell really bad. Your hair will house live animals and your toenails will be the color of putrid yellow. You will still somehow have lots of sex.

Alternate between two looks during your entire college career: I Don’t Give A Fuck Because I’m Hungover and I Care So Much and I Hope I Get Laid Tonight. During the day, you look like a homeless person who’s addicted to Adderall and at night, you pile on the makeup, wear your most revealing dress, and go to the clubs. Occasionally you’ll dip your toes into the following looks: Walk Of My Shame/Shame Spiraling And I Hate Myself, I Have To Write A 30 Page Paper In Five Hours, Oops, I’ve Been Mistaking My Xanax For Birth Control, Mom Please Call Me Back I Need To Talk To You, Mom Leave Me Alone, Maybe I Should Major In Psychology, How Many Gross People Can I Sleep With Before I Really Hate Myself and I Will Shoot Myself If I Have To Go To Another Theme Party.

Spend your entire college experience making fashion mistakes but don’t care. It’s not like it will stop you from having loads of vacuous sex. You could go to a party wearing a garbage bag and still take home someone cute. Take advantage of this because it will never be like that ever again. The real world does not have sex with garbage bags.

Graduate from college and realize you need a real wardrobe. Go to Forever 21 and buy something you deem professional looking. Maybe a blazer? Store all of those 80s workout costumes and Uggs deep in your closet and never look at them again unless you’re drunk and feeling emotional.

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