How To Turn An Enemy Into A Friend In 9 Easy Steps

When you convert an enemy into a friend, you create a frenemy. We’re aware of this recently popularized term, and have seen myriad examples emerge in pop culture (Hillary Clinton and Obama, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, A.C. Slater and Zack Morris, Jesus Christ and Judas, etc.) yet we still have no idea how this actually happens.

So then, how in the hell do you turn an enemy into a frenemy?

You Frenemize.

And how do you “Frenemize?”

By following this not-so-intricate 9-step guide:

STEP 1: Intense Logical Discourse

Engage them in an argument, and prove them completely wrong. But then instead of rubbing their face in their own entrails, compliment them for airing their opinion. Say something like “it was a great point that needed to be heard.” And then walk away like a cold madman. It’s hard to be angry toward someone as classy as you just were, and the linguistic sucker-punch you just delivered will be the seed you sow for your future frenemy plant.

STEP 2: Say “Happy Birthday, Friend”

The explanation is in the title. What it takes to pull this off is an ability to conceal your ulterior motive and an ability to decipher a calendar. If they don’t know they’re being frenemized, then they open themselves up to becoming a great frenemy. Just execute timely birthday etiquette and then watch as the ice begins to cleave from their cold, dirty heart.

STEP 3: Buy a Ridiculously Cute Animal, Send Them Pictures

Even a Communist dictator has a soft spot for fluffy animals. Whether it’s a furry tabby cat, or a scruffy puppy, acquire that animal, bathe it, and snap its glamour shot in the appropriate lighting. After photoshopping, filtering, and cropping, send that puppy (or kitty) slideshow off to your intended target. If you believe that they have audio capability, then complement the slideshow with the music of Paula Cole.

STEP 4: The “I’m Just Givin’ Ya’ a Hard Time”

Just when they might be on to you, give them some tough love. Seemingly take them back to step 1, and get one more verbal jab in. As they brace themselves for fisticuffs, go in for a pat on the back. Reinforce the back-patting by telling them you were just giving them shit and didn’t mean anything by it whatsoever. This should cross so many of their neural wires that they’ll have to identify you as a friend out of pure catatonia.

STEP 5: The Possibly Sensual Back-Pat

After getting a firm camaraderie-style back-pat in, show your future frenemy that you’re way more friend than enemy by evolving your next pat on the back into something that’s possibly sensual. Think of it as if you were the father of an eleven year old who just lost the most heartbreaking little league game of his life. Imagine that eleven year old crying… tears streaming from his ducts, so beside himself that he’s stanching vomit… envision that, then pump the breaks a bit and settle for a rub that walks the line between “there, there” and “Nuru massage.”

STEP 6: The Deity Roundtable

Whether theist, atheist, or agnostic, get a little pray in your day to attack your arch nemesis spiritually. Pick at least seven deities and pray aggressively to all of them.

STEP 7: Tell Them a Joke

Scope the ‘net for a really good laugher, and then let them in on it. Make sure your joke follows this flawless template: “Did you hear the one about the [insert protagonist of joke here] and the [insert the butt of joke here].” This inclusion into a joke should really help them turn the corner on you. As long as you haven’t been over-exposing them to possibly sensual back rubs.

STEP 8: Laugh at Their Jokes

No matter how stupid or juvenile, classless or bland, odd or off-putting, laugh at their joke as if you’re on the verge of obliterating a temporal vein. What you want to focus on here is blowing any signs of a “courtesy laugh” out of the water. They might assume something’s up with a roaring chortle, but if they hear the slightest tinge of courtesy laugh, consider yourself demoted back to the deity roundtable.

STEP 9: Sleeping with the Frenemy

If all else fails, fuck them.

That’s probably what they figured you were trying to do anyway.