I Can’t Date You Because I’m An Artsy Cool Boy


This is as equally devastating for you as is it for me, but we just can’t be together. Art is driving us apart—and by art I specifically mean mine, because I can’t remember what you told me you did, but I’m an architect. I just need to focus on my craft. And also sleep with other people.

Look, this has honestly been a long time coming. Remember when you freaked out because I sleep with my mattress on the floor? And don’t have sheets? Or when you didn’t talk to me for two days because I kept trying to convince you to split the cost of a Corbusier Chaise lounge? It would’ve changed your apartment layout. Or when I stopped talking to you for two days because you ripped out a blank piece of paper from my Moleskin to spit your gum into?

I’M WEIRD, ok, and I just HATE collaboration.

I’m the Jack Kerouac of the architecture world. I mean have you ever even read On The Road? I didn’t either—oh, you did? Ok, whatever—but I did see the movie, and what I got from it is that I need to be having a lot more sex with a lot more women. I’m weird, ok? The Beat writers really were onto something. I’m probably as weird as they were, if not weirder because, like, anyone can write long sentences without grammar and take acid. Not everyone can be an architect. I’m weird.

This just can’t continue on. Much like how I feel caged by ADA requirements to make everything eco-friendly these days, I feel like this relationship is suffocating my creativity too. I’m just an Artsy Cool Boy and need my space. And a lot more women. Women love how sensitive I am. God, am I being weird again? I guess that’s why I’m such a loner. But it’s on purpose. I like being alone, like that guy in the On The Road movie.

With all your talk about “long-term plans” and “goals” and “stability,” I just know the two of us could never work out. For one thing, I’m so much weirder than you. It’s probably because I’m an architect and you’re not. I don’t even own a TV. I want to write my memoir by 24. You won’t even go to Bushwick with me.

But the main reason this could never be is that I dress strictly in Earth tones and you’re wearing a Millennial pink blouse. Did you even consider what this could do to my brand?