I Don’t Hate You For Breaking My Heart…And, Oh Boy, You Did Exactly That

I wanted to hate you so bad. It would’ve been so much easier, but I don’t. You sold me on sweet dreams of the future and a love like any other. I was so naive and untainted by anyone. I always thought that first love was true love and that might be the hardest part of this. We went through hell and back with each other. I lost count of how many times we exchanged “I love you” or even better “I’m in love with you” I lost count of how many times we said, “I hate you.” I lost count of how many times we said we were leaving but then remembered how our wild love was worth it. Still, I will never lose count of how many times I heard the words that cut me the deepest. The last five words you left me with that Thursday morning. The words I never thought I’d hear from you and I pray so deeply that I will never hear from anyone again, “I don’t love you anymore.”  My world came crashing down in the three seconds the words slipped off your tongue so easily. We had called if off so many times before but my gut knew this time was different. I couldn’t cry because my body was in shock. I didn’t eat for 14 days and tried to push everyone away. My friends hated you, and I hated them for that. A love so deep, I still don’t hate you. I never will.

It is so easy for everyone to tell me that everything will be OK. I know it will be eventually. But no one was there the first time you cried to me. No one was there for the “do you feel that” kind of kissing moments. We felt safe with each other; we were the best of friends. I try not to remember the good times because it hurts a little more but for some reason that’s all I’m left with. I lived for the long drives shouting lyrics to Taylor Swift, and how we both would pretend we knew the words to most raps (when clearly we didn’t). I loved your mind and although sometimes questionable, you had me wrapped up right into your world of conspiracies and ideas. I might cringe at the thought of chicken fingers for the rest of my life and keep salt stacked up for the winter. I loved our love. It was the best feeling I have ever felt but with every part of my soul I can honestly say I hope this was a once in a lifetime kind of love.  I say that because it was too much for me. It was passionate it was young and it was raw. You were the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing I thought about before bed. If we weren’t talking I wasn’t happy. If you were mad I couldn’t function. I slowly began to rely on you for my happiness. We both made mistakes but I tried my hardest to prove to you that we were meant to be together and that’s the problem. I lost myself while trying to make you happy. I lost any respect I had for myself while trying to avoid a fight.

It was so easy for you to leave me, I couldn’t understand why. Thinking back I should’ve seen it coming. We were so young and three years went by so fast. Towards the end you said I was getting too clingy but I hadn’t changed a thing. I thought getting through the screaming matches and breakups/ makeups were a testament to our love while you saw the bond withering away. Through all the ups and downs, I truly believed we were together because we were meant to be together. I remember telling my family that same week that the storm was over, we made it and I was in the place of peace- so foolishly in love with you. Too blinded I couldn’t see you slipping away through my fingers. Although, maybe I did, perhaps I noticed that you stopped looking at me the way you used to. In fact, I definitely noticed.  You pulled away while I fell harder and I didn’t want to believe it. I say that things were great with us but in reality you just didn’t care anymore. I will never understand how you could lie to me when I asked if something had changed but your smile was so convincing, how cruel. You gave 100% of your attention to other people, which killed me because I can’t even remember what getting 100% of your attention is like when that’s all I ever wanted. I thought it was going to be the summer of adventure and fun but you didn’t want that with me.  You left the relationship emotionally way before you physically did. It was a smooth transition; you just picked up your life and acted like I never mattered. I felt so used and betrayed, was everything a lie? I want to know why breaking up with me wasn’t enough? Why did you hate me so much in the end? To be honest I don’t think you even know and I’m sure you don’t have sufficient answers to fill this giant hole you created, but I still don’t hate you.

Maybe you burned the bridge because you couldn’t get over me any other way. I don’t hate you for that

I would’ve gone to the moon for you. I would have never given up on you; part of me still hasn’t given up. I know what you are capable of; I see nothing but a bright future and success. I know someone else is going to see that one day and you are going to love her more than you were ever able to love me. But I don’t hate you for that.

Our time has come to an end but I have faith that one day when we see each other we wont have to act like complete strangers. I love you for giving me the best memories. I love you for teaching me what its like to love someone with all my heart. I treasure how lucky I am to have loved so pure and so deeply in my lifetime. I laughed the hardest with you and cried the hardest because of you. I wouldn’t trade that for the world. One day I will fall out of love with you too but I will always have love for you. I am confident I will fall in love again and I will give him all the parts of my heart that you didn’t want.