I Know You’re Bad For Me, So Why Do I Still Want You?


we are broken up – firmly, completely, with no room for gray

but when I get lonely I want you and only you

when I can’t sleep

when I drink a little too much

when I’m sad 

when I’m restless

when I feel helpless

a part of me thinks you’re the only person who sees me, really sees me, because you know what I was like before I became broken

you know my inner, secret mess and how hard I work to conceal it

you know how scared I am of my own potential power, of myself 

you’re the opposite of the things I insist I need, and yet, the years go by and we keep coming back to each other

it’s toxic

it’s bad

we are smarter than this

we are above this

but we keep doing it

we’ll go months without contact and then somehow we always creep back 

because we are weak

because we are bored

because we are too invested in our own stuff to build something with someone the way we have with each other

or because maybe we are just too tired to try

I will never be able to have coffee with you because we both know it’s never just coffee

it could never just be coffee with you 

we have to let each other go. For real.

firmly, completely. With no room for gray.

it’s unfair to me

it’s unfair to you 

it’s unfair to the future relationships that we continue to put off and put off and put off

we are better now than we were then

we have learned, from everything

and we deserve better than each other

in both the people that we once were and the cheap, demented iteration of a relationship we have now

you know I’m bad for you 

I know you’re bad for me

so why do I still want you?