I’d Rather You Break Up With Me On A Post-It Note

Remember that episode in Sex and the City where Berger broke up with Carrie on a post-it note? She gets really upset because the medium he chose for such an event was a 3” x 3” piece of yellow sticky paper? The situation may different, but right now, à mon avis, that doesn’t sound so terrible to me. Maybe I’m terrified of getting the full explanation because I’ve been fed various versions of the same excuse over and over for the past 7 years. Or maybe I just don’t do confrontation well. But when I know the inevitable is coming, when I can feel the distance growing out of nowhere and I have no idea what happened in the last two weeks to prompt him to go from pure infatuation to ignoring my texts, then maybe I don’t want him to sit me down and tell me to my face that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

There are only two outcomes of an honest face-to-face break up: the truth or lies. What’s the point of even going through the motions if it’s going to be a lie – which is usually the preferred breakup method. You can tell me that you’re too busy with work right now and have a lot on your plate, that the timing is off, that you just don’t want a girlfriend right now. But we all know it’s crap. If that’s how you felt than you wouldn’t have started this relationship in the first place. You wouldn’t have introduced me to your friends and family as your girlfriend. You wouldn’t have invited me to anything and everything and shared the exciting new business ventures you’re working on. You wouldn’t have gone out of your way to try to help me with my own career issues. Sorry, but I just can’t take another fake excuse and then see you in 3 weeks at one of my favorite breweries with someone else.

So the second outcome is the truth. Are you going to tell me that someone else came along? That you’ve been comparing me to other prettier, thinner, more down-to-earth girls, and maybe you’ll try your luck with one of them? That you realized I had flaws like any other normal person, but you’ve never dated someone long enough to work through that, and so you’re just going to move onto the next who currently sounds like a better deal? That when the sign of an issue pops up, instead of working through it, you just want to end it because relationships should be easy and you don’t want to deal with it?

Is it that I’m too jealous because your work has this huge side effect where girls hit on you all the time, in front of me, and you don’t really do much to stop that behavior? Just introducing me as a girlfriend will not deter a girl from flirting – it will only make her work harder to prove she can steal you away. This was obvious from 3 weeks in at that holiday party, and it was the first time I ever felt truly jealous in a relationship. That feeling never really went away.

Maybe that’s what happened. One of those girls I was always a little wary of, the ones you always swore were just good friends, finally spilled her heart out to you. You just couldn’t resist the idea of your “what if” finally happening. But that’s the difference. When my “guy who got away” told me he regretted never dating me and that he really messed up, I walked away because I was happy with you. I didn’t contemplate alternative outcomes because there was no point. I had moved on several months before meeting you because I didn’t want to just be convenient to him. Maybe you didn’t have that same reaction when she told you she wanted to be with you.

Are you going to tell me that someone pointed out that maybe I’m not right for you, and here’s a list of reasons why. Did those start the wheels in your head turning and you looked at me in a different way? All of a sudden I’m not as pretty as the day you met me because I stopped putting make up on every single day I saw you. That my lack of love for cooking and cleaning actually turned you off even though you love cooking. Probably not. That would be cowardly of you and hard to accept about yourself. You would resort to the lie. But maybe that’s exactly what happened. Someone decided that they just weren’t into the idea of you being with me, and so they got in your head. That’s always a dangerous situation. Friends can be very persuasive – both good and bad.

Was I too open with my communication? I thought it would be best if we talked out issues as they came along, and back then you agreed. So I tried my best to do that. When something bothered me I spoke up about it. I’m sorry if it ended up being a similar topic every time, but maybe it’s because that topic wasn’t addressed very well initially. I tried to be open, but then you completely shut me out. If you needed space or something was bother you about me, than you needed to say it. Instead you probably grew to resent me as I tried to understand what was going on and repair it from my side by asking questions and trying to get closer. While you were backing away, I was trying to draw you in because I didn’t know what was going on. Is it that the last 2 weeks made you hate me more because I wouldn’t leave you alone, you realized I was “needy” (even though you never once mentioned needing that room), and you can’t handle dealing with a girl like that? Is that what you’re going to tell me?

Is it the fact that I’m not “worldly” in my intelligence? My BS in mechanical engineering from a state school doesn’t compare to that degree you got from your private liberal arts college. All your friends want to sit around, drink whiskey, and debate the latest thing they listened to on NPR or talk about law/graduate school. But I’m not a huge fan of whiskey, I’d rather read an Agatha Christie novel than namedrop Radiolab, and my friends and I don’t enjoy ganging up on each other for the hell of it. Sorry I took it personally when I argued a different side and every one of you put me down for having such a dumb point of view. I don’t see the joy in someone telling me that my opinion, the one they asked for, is clearly wrong.

So I don’t know what happened, I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know if I caused it to happen. All I know is that in roughly 3 hours you’re going to tell me that you don’t want to be with me anymore. You will either give me some excuse you’ve been concocting for the last few days, or you will tell me the truth and make me question whether I’m even dateable, left to spend the next several months trying to figure out what’s wrong with me when in reality I’m worthy of a great guy. There’s no good outcome to this. For the last week I’ve had a sinking feeling in my stomach knowing something was wrong. Now you have the upper hand because this is going to go how you want.

Yes, there’s a 0.01% chance that you genuinely just want to talk things out, explain where you’re coming from, and tell me you want to try to move past whatever issue has been looming over you. But realistically it’s not going to happen. So do I want to culminate the last week and a half of on-the-edge heartbreak with actual, true heartbreak? How is it better? The closure will happen when the relationship ends. Your reasoning for doing what you’re going to do is nothing I can change. I will not beg you to stay with me. I will not plead for you to reconsider. I cannot change your mind. So maybe reading a sticky note that says “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me-“ would be a better end to this relationship than having to look you in the eye while you either lie to me or tell me that I’m not good enough for you. Sorry, Carrie, but I think I’d actually prefer the passive-aggressive 3M product in this particular situation.