I’m Done Pretending That I Don’t Care

Let’s be honest. Being the chill girl is okay for a while. I mean, know how to play the cards and keep your interest. I know how to make you want me without over doing it, and I know how to put in just enough effort to lead you on. But now I’m done with being the chill girl. I’m finished pretending that I don’t care about you just because it’s cool to be evasive and distant. I’m done with hiding my heart away from real feelings just because I think this is what I should do.

I guess I’m just getting sick of acting like I don’t care just so I can play your games and lead you on. I’ve tried to do it your way. I’ve tried to follow the rules by being the chill girl who doesn’t require any commitment. But what happens next…? Does the game just go on and on until one of us gets bored? That sounds romantic…

But really, what’s the alternative? We can both just go on our way, with nothing ever settled and no real feelings ever acknowledged. Or we can let things fade away in time to prevent any hurt feelings (even if we are pretending we don’t have feelings).

I mean, sure, like I said, playing the game can be fun. You have that charming appeal of the guy that’s hard to get. I won’t lie, it’s sexy. The subtle side smiles and quick glances…those keep us both playing.

Basically, the rules are that I can casually play with your feelings by flirting just enough to draw in your attention, but not too much. See, if I flirt too much, or show too much interest, I’ll seem overeager and desperate. You’ll actually think I like you…

But now it’s been a while, and the unanswered text messages and the vague plans are getting old. Staying up late anxiously checking my phone for a text message from you is becoming exhausting, especially when there’s probably only about a 5% chance that you’ll actually text me. Reading too far into your comments and trying to decode what they mean about us isn’t getting me anywhere. Heck, your comments that I replay over and over again probably don’t even mean anything, and even if they did, you would probably steer clear of the truth. So if you’re never going to be honest with me, then what am I still doing here? What am I waiting for?

Everyone plays the same game. That’s how we do it these days. And when we get hurt, we pretend it was just casual. It was nothing. We cover our hurt feelings by defensively telling our friends that we are fine, without making eye contact. It’s like we are all ashamed of being hurt, or afraid to show we care.

I know that I can pretend that I don’t care. Or…correction, I can pretend that I care just a little. I mean, there has to be something there, right? Or else it would be game over. So I can play the field, and I can care about you a little bit. I can be pretty and sexy, and not overeager or too intense.

I can try to be mysterious and hard to read, and I can slowly try to reel you in.

But you know what? That’s not enough for me.

I’m not the type of girl who can leave it at this. I can’t just leave it as a surface level desire without any real connection. Maybe I actually want to reel you in because maybe I actually care about you.

And maybe I want you to care about me too.

The truth is, I do care. I care a lot.

It’s as simple as that. And I don’t feel like I should have to hide my heart away anymore. I’m not going to be ashamed for having such a heart. I’m not going to feel insecure for having feelings for you just because I don’t know how you feel or what you want.

I don’t want to hide the truth anymore. I have a heart. You have a heart. Why is everybody so ridiculously stuck on hiding their hearts?

I’m going to stop being afraid. I’m going to stop pretending. And I’m going to stop playing the game your way. First, I’m going to be honest. I’m not going to be cautious, or tip toe around either of our feelings. I’m going to tell you how I feel, and if it scares you away, then so be it. I will accept it. You see, if me caring about you scares you, then maybe it means that my heart is too big for you. Maybe it means that you aren’t ready to be cared about. Maybe it means that this isn’t meant to turn into anything more.

And yes, if my feelings are too much for you, I will be hurt.

I won’t lie about this. I won’t pretend that I won’t be upset or disappointed. But you know what? Even if you do let me down, it will be worth it. It will be worth it because I’m quitting the game and being myself. I’m doing what I need to do for me.

So if I care about you and you reject me, I will probably continue to care about you for a while, because that’s just who I am. I won’t get drunk and hook up with people blindly until I feel “better.”

I won’t hate you. I won’t let myself be bitter and self-deprecating. Instead, I will slowly get over you.

I will realize that I was brave for giving you a chance. I will remind myself that I was brave for letting you see that I am capable of caring. I won’t allow myself to feel insecure. I won’t allow you to hurt my sense of self-worth.

I’m never going to be the girl who will settle for being casually liked or just half loved. So if you’re not ready for my way of doing things, that’s okay. I wasn’t satisfied with just playing your games either.

I tried it out. We tried it out.

And now I know that I deserve someone who is ready for my big heart.