I’m Done Trying To Figure You Out

I don’t think you know how confusing you are…or maybe you do. I don’t want to think that you’re being confusing on purpose, that the absence of balance between your words and actions is really a manipulative power play. You don’t seem like that kind of person, that person with narcissistic tendencies that must control every situation, that person that only accepts things on their terms. I don’t think that about you…but maybe it’s that I really don’t want to believe that that could be true.

I believe that some people are truly incapable of giving themselves to another person. Some people lack the transparency and self-awareness to be vulnerable with another. They try so hard to meet societal expectations, and try so hard to be something they’re not, that they completely lose themselves in the process. This isn’t to say that they are bad people…they just lack internal awareness and can be extremely confusing to those around them. Maybe this is the category you fall into, maybe you’re just unaware and incapable.

But I’m done with you pulling me in, then pushing me away. I’m done with your mixed messages.

It’s not fair to me when you pretend to be something you’re not, not fair when you pretend that this, whatever this is, between us could ever be something real. I can’t be with someone who can’t commit to anything, most importantly himself. I can’t be with someone who is so hot and cold with his feelings and presence, causing me to wonder what I did to make him turn off so suddenly. 

I’m done with giving you the benefit of my major doubts. Done with reading between the lines of your words, done with deciphering your actions, done worrying about what I may have done to cause those actions. Doubt is a relationship killer, whether it’s a romantic relationship or just a friendship. In relationships, there is no room for doubt, there shouldn’t be gray area, or space to wonder, or to constantly think “what if”… you’re either in or you’re out. There is no in between. And doubt doesn’t just pertain to the doubt you have of someone else. When another person causes you self-doubt because of their actions, that is a person you are better without.

It’s not fair that I’m spending so much time trying to figure you out. Because honestly, I’m figuring out my own life. Figuring out what it is that I truly want, and figuring out how I plan to achieve those things. I don’t need to be worried about your words, your actions, and how they never balance out.

Actions really do speak louder than words. We can all talk about what it is that we want, proclaim it, shout it from the mountain tops… but then we have to prove it. We have to put up or shut up. We can’t keep talking about what we want and then sit back and watch life pass us by.

So this is me officially telling you that I’m done. I’m done trying to figure you out. Done wondering why you do the things you do. Done trying to understand why or how you can flip the switch so easily on your emotions and feelings. Because it doesn’t make any sense, and honestly, it’s a puzzle I just don’t want to try to piece together anymore.