I’m Finally Done Waiting For You


You have been many things to me.

You have been a friend, a confidant, a brother, a kindred spirit, a conversationalist that brought parts of me to life I didn’t know existed. You have been a security blanket when others have made me feel small. You have been the model against which I compare all others to. I have carried this familiar weight around with me, with someone else – they had become an ideal in my mind that no real human could match. Even while that person occupied that space, you were in the background, always a shadow in the corners of my mind. Some days I have felt a sense of trust and knowingness, a sense of inner peace, letting the waves of the days pass over me as I remained unmoved.

Knowing that I had a love that was real was enough to get me by, even when I was lonely.

But you have also been other things.

Like the reason I am kept awake at night, restless. A shield I hide behind when meeting new people. You have been an invisible wall, a two-way mirror, where I am trying to look through to the other side but am met only by a reflection of myself, darker and dimmer than my real self. You have taught me many things – many you’ll never know. You are intuitive enough to know how I feel, I don’t need to spell it out for you.

Even though I’ve dreamed of doing so anyway, in the hopes that perhaps my leap of faith would spark a curiosity in you that would consume you so fully as you have consumed me. That it would spark you to take a leap of faith as well, to be bold in a world that becomes less intimate every day.

I want the leap, the fall, the fire, and all the scared-sh!tless feelings that come with it. I want the adventure, to embrace and overcome the fear of the unknown: I want life.

Isn’t that what any human wants?

And after all this pondering, wondering, and perhaps overanalyzing, I have decided that I don’t need to tell you how I feel about you. You already know. Your silence is enough of an answer for me. Perhaps you feel something towards me, perhaps you don’t. Perhaps whatever it is you feel is not enough for you to cross the chasm of your fears to meet me on the other side. Perhaps you have your own sh!t going on. Perhaps you are content with the way things are. Anyone can assume any number of things about any given situation.

I will love you always, but you’re not the man for me. You’re not my soulmate, “the one”, or any other phrase describing the idea that there is only one human on the planet for each individual.

I want someone who burns for me the way I burned for you the last seven years, maybe more. I want someone who would write me a handwritten letter just to say they were thinking about me. I want that passion, that curiosity, that jump-in-with-both-feet kind of feeling. You are afraid, and I understand. I have been afraid, many times in my life. But I refuse to hide behind the illusion that we are destined to be together, and that I need only wait for you.

Time waits for no man, and I am done waiting.