I’m Just A Girl, Standing In Front Of A Boy, Wondering If He’s Openly Defending A Shitty Celebrity He’s Never Met Before

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I don’t ask for much out of relationships. Politeness. Maybe a college degree. A sense of humor would be nice (but not funnier than me). Would be cool if he could cook. Great if he can speak another language fluently, I think that’s very neat.

And alas, here I am, a dainty young woman of her early 20s, staring at the sea of strangers I have to look at every single day, wondering how many of them have insane, anonymous twitter accounts where they defend shitty famous men they’ve never met before with the ferocity of a mother bear protecting her cub — if mother bears were internet trolls who hate women.

Look, I don’t want to be picky. I have plenty of flaws myself! I snap my gum, my voice can be described as “very shrill” when I talk about something I’m excited about, I consider basic personal information too private to share — so I get it! I understand character flaws, I can wrap my head around someone never putting the cap on the toothpaste or leaving their clothes all over the floor. We all have our vices. Sometimes they are charming!

Yet I find myself, in 2017, looking deep into the eyes of the guy talking to me at a bar — really, deep into the eyes of any stranger — and wondering ~*~did this guy recently make an unsolicited Twitter thread about how much Louis C.K. has done for comedy?~*~

OH! How I miss the days when being ghosted was the worst revelation you could have after a date! Now we follow someone back on Twitter after getting drinks a couple of times and, oh fuck, he’s demanding victims of sexual assault provide evidence before he can decide whether he believes them.

Remember when we were all just nervous that maybe he was texting more than one girl? HA! I laugh and weep at these memories now. Oh, how those days seem like centuries ago. Such old-fashioned dating woes. Now we’re all just nervous that maybe he’s commenting “why didn’t they say anything sooner?🤔🤔🤔” on Facebook statuses.

And now I’m staring at everyone and wondering how many of these idiots have defended Danny Masterson in the comments section of a BuzzFeed article.

I am just a girl, standing in front of a boy, not even asking him to love her — literally just asking for access to his social media accounts to see what he’s been saying about all of this. Ugh.