Life, As Told Through An Internet Bio


(13) I’m Sean Phillips. Incoming freshman at Whitfield High! Home of the Panthers. State Champs back to back, claws up!

(15) A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins.

(17) Sean Phillips guards lives at a pool filled with five year-olds. He can’t fucking wait for the fall, when he’ll be attending SUNY Binghamton.


(18) Getting after it err day all day. (Except Mondays.) 3rd best flip cup player in New York State. Alpha Delt what’s GOOD.

(19) Sean Phillips has no clue what he wants to major in. He enjoys pick up basketball and tries not to play his guitar at parties.

(21) Aspiring Writer. I keep my Spotify on private because I only listen to +44 and Hawthorne Heights. Follow my attempts at jokes @GetOffMySean.


(23) Sean Phillips is a recent college graduate living in Hoboken, New Jersey York. He’s taking a few years to see what dreams are made of, and really hopes they’re made of Pico de Gallo.

(25) Sean Phillips is at a major life crossroads right now, but realizes this is probably too much information to reveal in a bio. He enjoys hanging out with friends and acting like everything is totally fine.

(25.2) Sean Phillips is thinking about dropping everything and moving to LA. He still listens to a lot of Good Charlotte.



Dear whom it may concern, 

Thanks for reaching out re: the requested bio update. I regret to inform you that at this time I’m not interested in maintaining my bio — as much as I think the internet is a vehicle for positive connection, I feel it’s increasingly distorting my image and negatively affecting my career prospects and overall health and happiness. I understand if you’re unable to take down my bio, but anything you can do here would be much appreciated.

Kind Regards, 



(29) Sean is a 29 year-old marketing sales planner living in Jersey City. He enjoys good Whiskey and has no idea why it took him so long to discover Kurt Vonnegut.

(32) Sean lives in Park Slope with his wife Jessica and his dog Chris Pratt.

(38) Small business owner. Crazy soccer dad. When no one’s home, I put Fall Out Boy on the Sonos.


(43) Sean Phillips has a newfound appreciation for the movie American Beauty. He’s not remotely as creepy as Kevin Spacey’s character though.



Looking For: Someone I can connect with.

(53) Sean Phillips lives in Aspen, Colorado with his wife Nadia. He hopes his knees don’t give out from all the skiing.


(62) Marketing guru and consultant, providing solutions to small business all over North America. I can make your business better! Contact for quotes.

(74) For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.  Luke 11:10

(85) They’re coming to take all my jobs. Why does the moon keep hitting on me?


(92) Sean Phillips marketed products to consumers because that’s what some people do. We’re not sure why he’s only being remembered for that, but I’m just the guy writing the obituary. If they paid me more, I’d definitely research more about this guy. But I’m not gonna do that, because I’m meeting Claire at the Belfry in 20 minutes. They’ve got $5 Picklebacks. You have no idea how good a deal that is in 2070.

Sean is survived by his daughter Gina, his son Qdoba, and an impressive collection of New Found Glory vinyls.

featured image – Shutterstock