Likely Fictional Texts

I feel like kids today hook up too easily. We all know “call me maybe” is perky slut code for casual unprotected sex, on top of a sudsy car, in clear view of the neighbors, mid-afternoon in a generic opulent suburb, a sad man wanking it through his living room window with the hand that isn’t cupping his Cognac snifter. But enough about me. The male model in “Call Me Maybe” (2012) is probably a great lay, with his smooth and shiny long dong and all, not to mention his 6- verging on 8-pack, but what about afterwards? You can only talk about washing cars, great hair, and one’s agent for so long. I hope they never meet. This celibate would prefer it if nobody had sex. Pop music died when I got depressed.