Millennial Jesus In 5 Easy Steps!


I believe the main reason that the younger generation is abandoning Christianity is the fact that they simply can’t relate to Jesus Christ’s fashion sensibilities.

Let’s face it—the “Jeez Steez” is totally early 90s, totally “grunge”:

Ewww! He looks like a roadie for Pearl Jam there. Completely unacceptable in this day and age. Let’s get to work…

1. Get rid of the Satanic goatee.

Much better, but still many miles to go. The long, greasy, stringy hair looks like it smells like bongwater. Off with it!

2. Get rid of the long hair, like, NOW.

OK, OK, not bad. Not great, but not bad. He lost the long hair and thank GOD we combed it to the side, but he’s still looking a little out of date, a little bit too “early 80s office worker.”

3. Give him a contemporary haircut.

YES! A scoopful of gel, an hour of careful sculpting, and we’ve finally entered the modern age! PRAISE GOD!!!

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We’re almost there—but not quite. He still lacks the intellectual panache of modern, tech-savyy 20-somethings.

4. Give him reading glasses, even if he doesn’t need them.

Now this is something I can “get behind”—in the biblical sense. Clean, stylish, and erudite. There’s only one thing missing, and we all know what that is…

5. Give him a bigger beard than anyone has ever given Jesus before.

Heaven. Salvation. The circle remains unbroken. His kingdom has come.

Read Jim Goad’s terrifying yet amusing ebook about fending off fans turned stalkers.