New York State Is Making Yogurt Its Official Snack And It’s Disgusting

Stop the motherfucking presses. Today, the New York State Senate collectively lost their minds and voted 52 to 8 to make yogurt the official snack of New York. If the measure passes in the State Assembly, the official snack of the Empire State will be YOGURT!!!   I am just as horrified as you (…probably aren’t. But that’s why it’s called “yogurt,” and not “megurt.”)

I won’t speak for all of New York State, so as I agree, yogurt is disgusting. Under the cloak of night, this vile substance sneaked into our beloved state like some kind of viscous bandit.  Like the occasional extra ‘h’ in its name, yogurt forced itself in where it doesn’t belong. Then, like the evil menace it is, this dastardly white goo began giving New York industry. It provides jobs and a healthy alternative to the pizza, mozzarella sticks, and delightful hunks of night cheese many of me had been formerly consuming.   Sure, some of I eat the diet of a slightly less fit Ninja Turtle, but is that really so bad? Well, AS BAD AS YOGURT?

I didn’t think so. As a formal protest to this legislative insanity, I have prepared a modest list. YOGURT IS COMING and you can’t even measure it in hunks. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Until then here is a list of 25 things that would make a better official New York State snack than yogurt.

1. Unsalted pretzels

2. A Witch’s butt

3. An old rope

4. Celery

5. Candied clams

6. Day cheese

7. Graph Paper

8. Jalapeno Jodhpurs

9. Unfun Dip

10. Discontinued Grape Gushers

11. Ice, the frozen liquid

12. Ice, the street drug

13. Hot cats

14. Scrambled Daddy Long Legs

15. Fruit leather

16. Fruit suede

17. Lice cream

18. Pant pockets

19. DiGiorno pizza

20. Chocolate-covered almost

21. Cheese flies

22. Slurpenis

23. Doritos for Women

24. Straw-less Capri Suns

25. Hummus