Nobody Knows But Me

Nobody knows but me. The people who surrounds me and knows me, seems they really don’t know me. Or I may say nobody knows me even the closest ones. I myself is confused for who I am and for what I am not. See? For me, it’s so absurd.

They describe me as the cheerful, the listener, the adviser, the joker, the confident, the positive, the cool, the happiest person on their lives and I believe that too. I’m sure that if a boat will sink and need to choose who to save, I’ll be the last on their list.

Isn’t it great to be known like this? It is, right? But I don’t understand why it hurts me that they know me for being the strongest one. Yes, it hurts me.

I can’t blame them. I need to blame myself why I’m so tired right now. I show them that everything with me is great. Though they have witnessed how my heart was broken many times, I always let them see that I’m smiling and life goes on. I don’t want to disappoint them. And with that, the pressure is on me now.

As years have passed by, I have begun to feel really tired and had to ask myself, hey, are you sure you’ll live like this forever?

Inside my head I’m screaming. I want to be the weakest one. I want to be the fragile one that the attention of the people is with me. I want them to hug me when I feel down. I want them to worry about me.

But in reality, it is the opposite. They doesn’t know that I’m struggling , I’m shouting and I’m crying inside. The problem is with me. If I had just been vulnerable with what I feel, it will not get worse like this. I have a happy personality and a sad soul in one body.

My enemy is myself. The truth is, I’m not happy, I’m not confident, I’m not strong. I am weak. Maybe… maybe, I’m just afraid to let them know because I’m scared no one will care.

But no… Now that I’m already 24, I need to learn that it’s not my responsibility to fix things or make people feel better. It’s okay to let others take care of themselves. It is okay to be weak sometimes. To the people who feel the same way, the world doesn’t have to rest on your shoulders darling.