Now Hiring Crushes: The Mixed Signals Crush
Job Description: We are looking for a Mixed Signals Crush of our preferred sex to hang out with at least once every two weeks — preferably on the weekends — with whom we kind of want to be romantically involved with, but we really can’t tell. Because of pervasive ambiguity, fear of rejection, fear of losing not just the possibility of romance — but of the entire friendship itself — and fear of causing drama between our established group of friends, we’ll be too afraid to breach the question of amorous union with you. You’ll keep giving us mixed signals, and really, we’re just supposed to be friends, anything other than that isn’t even an option… right? The ideal candidate will be enthusiastic about his or her job while (seemingly) not knowing anything about it. He or she need not worry about unwanted affection, as we will most likely never make a move — you should be too freaking vague and mysterious for us to ever get up the courage.
Skills: Our ideal Mixed Signals Crush will have the ability to cycle through a repertoire of ambiguous body language and inscrutable physical contact that may or may not mean he or she is ‘down.’ The Mixed Signals Crush must also be able walk the line between semantic jousting and sexual innuendo. Likewise, the Crush must be excellent at making eye contact we can’t figure out is friendly or meaningful, and be proficient in curating cheap wine we can go half in on. Candidate will be superb at navigating situations in which s/he suddenly finds him or herself the only one in the room besides us. Our ideal Mixed Signals Crush will also be open to giving us emotional advice or chronically oversharing with us — especially in times of mutual alcohol consumption — in such a manner that we’re always confused about whether we’re bonding in a friendly way or having an elaborate game of emotional foreplay.
Core responsibilities: The Mixed Signals Crush will be expected to attend bimonthly social functions, work late hours, consume alcohol on occasion, and facilitate open communication. Ideal candidate should be better friends with one of our auxiliary friends than s/he is with us.
Requirements:
- Single
- Attractive personality/ physical features
- Three-month to year-long commitment
- Live within two miles of our office
- Previous experience is preferred
Compensation: Validation, occasional drunken leering (our pre-apologies), (hopefully no) awkward dialogue, infrequent free drinks, admiration and respect, and approval conditional on the quality of your interaction with us and our pre-existing circle of friends.
For consideration, respond to this posting with your resume and cover letter. Calls and drop-ins are not accepted. We are a dog and cat-friendly employer.