My Personality Map


Now this is sort of abstract, but I’ve been having this important thought for several years now regarding something I like to call a “personality map.” I guess map is really the wrong word to use; I should have picked “cocktail,” or “recipe,” but I like the way “personality map” sounds. It’s like a thing.

Basically, a personality map is a bunch of different mental snippets from movies, TV shows, books, the Internet, whatever – that make up your personality as it is now. These are little things that you’ve seen or heard that have somehow made their way into your brain chemicals and stayed there forever. Does anyone understand what I’m talking about? Let me show you what my very own personality map would look like, and then maybe you could share yours with me, because I’m in love with you and it’s only a matter of time before we start dating.

Keanu Reeves in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” as well as “My Own Private Idaho”

Keanu Reeves has been very present, and widely discussed in my life for many many years, and I’m not sure why. His role in Dracula was so insanely funny, that I shit you not I probably think about it on a daily basis. There is a particular line he delivers in the movie where he goes “I’ve SEEN many strange things already,” in his fakey English accent, and I have adopted it as both a constantly used phrase (I will say this out of nowhere, and look for reasons to do so,) but also, and more importantly, when my brain first heard this line it was taught that it’s perfectly normal to be an important person in life, but also a goof and a moron. It’s like, a comfort or something. His performance in “My Own Private Idaho” introduced this really weird walk that I still find myself doing, where like I’ll move my shoulders at the same time, and in the same pattern, as I move my legs. Can you see this in your brains? He also does this walk a lot in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Maybe it’s just the way he walks.

Robert Downey Jr. in “Weird Science”

Has anyone noticed how Robert Downey Jr. used to have a really big gap between his teeth, and now he doesn’t? It was really kickin’ in Weird Science and when I saw it I was like, “I have a gap too. I also like to spill drinks on people at the mall because I’m an asshole. We’re the same!” There’s a part in this movie where he says “How you doing?” But it sounds like, “How you dOOOinggg,” and I say that all the time too. Wait, I actually think the other guy said that line, his friend with the crispy, tall hair. Nevermind. I also learned from Robert Downey Jr’s role in this film that if you treat a girl like a garbage can, she will totally dig it, and that you can make a hot lady on the computer and she’ll cook for you in your house.

Jennifer Grey in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

Jeanie Bueller is like my painting in the attic that would, if ever found and destroyed, cause me to rapidly transform to my true age of 112 years old, right before your eyes. I remember my shitty Aunt and Uncle taking me to see this movie in the theater when it came out. I was inspired to the max by Grey’s character and started mouthing off all over the place; I haven’t turned back since. Also, I secretly hope for the day that someone tries to break into my house so I can high kick them in the face while asking someone on the phone if they speak any English.

Winona Ryder in “Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael”

This is a big one. Winona Ryder has influenced me in so so so many ways. First off, she’s the first girl I ever had a crush on. She also taught me how to form cool sentences and speech patterns, and how to dress. I wore a bright pink dress and black combat boots with pink laces to my 8th grade graduation, ripping off the outfit she wore in this movie. All the parents in attendance hated me and thought I was making a mokery of the sacred act that is handing pre-teens some fake diploma from Party City. While waiting in the line to walk up on stage, my history teacher came over, grabbed my elbow, and whispered “you’re gonna have a real interesting life” creepily into my ear. She died a few months later while shopping at Mervyns.

There’s a few more I could write about, but I have to hurry up and finish my Ramen and leave for work.

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