Read This Before You Come Out On Thanksgiving

Are you planning to come out on Thanksgiving? Congratulations! I’m very happy for you. I know that this is a decision into which you probably put a lot of thought and FEELINGS—especially if you’re a lesbian… or a gay man… or if you’re just coming out as “age 23.”

Having the guts to come out is nothing at which to sneeze. In fact, I won’t expel ANY of my bodily fluids on you from any of my orifices—that is how much I admire what you’re doing. You are amazing. Take a bow! (that can be read as a bow for your hair, a bow for firing arrows at things, or a performer’s stage gesture—depending on your preference.)

However, as great as what you’re doing is, I want to give you some advice. Sure everybody is free to come out however they feel best—but that doesn’t mean you need to be cliché.  Let’s try to amp up the comings out this year; grab a few style points.  In fact, a few of you might be able to grab so many style points you won’t even need to come out at all.  I’m looking at you girl in the leotard with “J.LAW’S FUTURE WIFE” bedazzled across the boobs.

For the rest of you, the very best of luck and here are a few coming out tips:

1. Don’t be afraid to use technology. Nothing says, “I’m gay” like one of those audible Hallmark cards that literally says, “I’m gay.”

2. Try setting the mood with music.  Anything from Dar Williams, Ani DiFranco, or the Indigo Girls will do that trick—especially if you’re a dude.  Go ahead and insert your own specifics into any chorus, liberally. However, I’m pretty sure each of these artists has a song with the lyric “Who I am is what I am, You are who you’ll be, Doesn’t mean I can’t be me, which is a person attracted to the same sex some or all of the time.”

3. Coming out like a wrecking ball.  You have to get naked, and burglarize a construction site, so there is some extra effort required for this one. However, whether you’re a girl, guy, or genderqueer, there’s probably a decent chance you’re hair is already cut like Miley Cyrus—so you can check that off the to-do list.

4. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. The likelihood your aunt will drunkenly catch her sleeve on fire—so you can say something like “now TWO people at this table are flaming—is high but not a certitude.  You can’t wait for the right time. You need to create it—that’s what my patented “Catch Your Drunk Aunt’s Sleeve On Fire” Rube Goldberg machine is all about. Contact me offline for details.

5. Why so serious? Coming out can feel really daunting. So sometimes it’s best to lighten the mood with a few jokes. In fact, rather than coming out with some bland serious speech, why don’t you make a ton of hilarious jokes all night long? Then simply follow each joke with “yes homo.” I think a lot of people around you will start to get your point, yes homo.