Maybe The ‘Perfect’ Guy Isn’t Perfect For You

There’s nothing wrong with wanting more. But everyone keeps telling you that you’re being too picky. Your standards are too high. There’s nothing wrong essentially with the guy you’ve been dating, so what the hell is wrong with you then? Why are you feeling so blah, so whatever about the whole thing? Why aren’t you bursting with excitement?

But you don’t give up. Because there are all these positive qualities that seem promising, and the fact that you haven’t said a flat out “no” yet is kind of a big deal to you. It’s so hard to meet anyone quality these days, so when you do meet someone who is kind and adorable and has a lot of qualities that you’re really looking for in a relationship, you think that you should stick around and hope that things go somewhere, that a spark will eventually ignite. Because you understand that serious feelings aren’t always bursting from the get-go. Sometimes it takes time for emotions to blossom. So you talk yourself into it. You keep things going. You don’t give up. See where it goes, right? And besides, there isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s a gentleman and he loves sports and he’s tall and he’s all these great things. So why then, you ask yourself, do you not feel anything?

You start to think that you’re the problem. Have you become that jaded? Did your last relationship ruin you? Why do you feel nothing when he kisses you, when he touches you, when he texts you something sweet? Your friends think you’re crazy. You start to believe them. Because it just doesn’t make sense. There are no red flags. There are no crazy exes he’s still in love with. He’s totally into you. He makes you laugh. He understands your moods already. And isn’t that the goal? To have someone who gets you and isn’t intimidated by your quirks, your moods, your confidence?

People ask how things are going and you just shrug. Indifference. It’s going, you say. And then you shake your head to yourself and think, What am I doing? Why am I doing this? You think back to past relationships, to past loves, to the sparks and the passion that was overwhelming. You remember it well. There was nowhere else in the world that you wanted to be when you two were together. You couldn’t explain it. Even in silence the connection was crazy. Every little bit of you was complete, it felt like. And when he kissed you? Forget it. The world stopped. You lost yourself. And your whole body burned, ached, wanted him. Remember?

But now it feels like something is wrong with you. Why do you feel like you’re so fucked up because you’re not feeling a certain way by now? Shouldn’t you really like him? Shouldn’t you be so excited about the possibility of this going somewhere? But instead of just accepting the fact that something is missing, that it isn’t enough for whatever reason, you blame yourself. You hate the way you’re feeling so cold, so bored, so whatever. You wish you felt so much differently.

But there is nothing wrong with you, you know. Just because he’s good on paper doesn’t mean that he’s “the one” or he’s even good enough for “right now.” Settling is a curse. You should never have to convince yourself about anything when it comes to love or attraction, and the same goes for everything else in life. You’re smart enough to know when something is right or it’s not. And don’t feel like you’re being too quick to judge. You tried. And even if you didn’t try as hard as you thought you should, don’t blame yourself. You’re an adult who knows what she wants, who doesn’t want to waste her time on something that is lukewarm and isn’t fulfilling.

If something is there you will know. You will feel it. And you won’t be trying so hard to dissect every little bit of it, trying to find the silver lining, and hoping that your emotions will eventually come around. And no, you’re not being too picky. Stop letting people say that to you. And stop thinking that you’re at fault, that you’re somehow “dead inside” or that you’re doomed forever because here is this “ideal” situation and you for some reason don’t feel anything. You deserve the kind of connection and love and passion that is so big and ridiculous that you can’t even begin to describe it. Because when the connection is real, you won’t have to convince yourself. You won’t have to talk yourself through it. When it’s right, you will know. And until that happens, just know that whatever you’re feeling (or not feeling) is exactly how things should be.