Signs You’re Too Obsessed With “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”
By Gaby Dunn
You’ve started finding Vincent D’onofrio very attractive. Beard? No beard?
You think maybe you’d like to get a haircut like Eames’ or Megan Wheeler’s short little ‘do.
You can name five guest stars right now off the top of your head.
You’re considering going into the police academy to become a detective on the major case squad.
You can’t remember the last time you saw daylight. You just keep hitting “Next episode.”
You’ve started connecting everything in a big web of conspiracy. Nothing is ever what it seems.
You can make leaps about a person’s life and personality just based on their shoes or the way their tie is undone. Goren is basically Sherlock Holmes.
You can predict exactly when in an episode Goren is about to go psycho on a suspect.
You wonder what Eames thinks during all this when she just sits there.
You believe you’ve started to understand the “mind of the criminal” and the motivations of various criminal minds.
You think if you had the chance you could probably get a confession out of a perp using Goren’s tactics.
When someone brings up Chris Noth, you know him as Mike Logan, not as Mr. Big.
You already loved Jeff Goldblum but now you’ve built a shrine to him in your closet.
You think Serena Stevens is the most gorgeous detective you’ve ever seen.
You actually mourned when they decided not to renew the show for another season but luckily it’s on Netflix for you to watch whenever you want. For as long as you want. Without stopping.
You were delighted to see Kathryn Erbe on “SVU.”
You totally forgot that Vincent D’onofrio played the “Water. Sugar Water” guy in “Men In Black.” Remember that?
You wish the detective that helped you when your purse got stolen had had Goldblum’s bumbling charm. I mean, he found your purse. But he wasn’t adorable about it.
You stay up until all hours of the night just to finish a season. In one day.
You named your cat “Bobby Goren.” (I know someone who did this.)
You’ve counted all of Logan’s plaid ties. The number is infinity.