So You Want To Comment On The Internet


So Terry here tells me you want to learn how to comment on the internet. You want to get involved “in the conversation.”

Sit down. How old are you?

Seventeen, huh. I gotta say, you’re a little late to the game here. Most online commenting stars are well on their way to greatness by the time they hit puberty, you know? Been sitting on their computers posting videos of themselves since they were like six. Offering up one-minute reviews of Saturday morning cartoons. Prodigy type stuff.

But that’s OK. We can work with this.

Let me ask you, how often you spend surfing the web?

Man. Seriously? This is worse than I thought. What are you doing, exercising?! Haha. Sorry. Just kidding. But for reals you’re going to have to probably triple that if you want to make it as an online commenter. I need you online eight to 10 hours a day. No joke. This is the big leagues, kid.

All right, where to start. First, you gotta be prepared to get called some names. You want to make it in this game, you gotta get a thick skin. Be prepared to be called “shithead.” They’re gonna call you “douchebag.” I don’t even know what you’re gonna get into, but I promise you that.

And I shouldn’t even have to say it, but you better be damn well prepared to be called “dum.” Like, a lot.

Yeah, we all know the irony. We get it. Save that up. Use that as ammunition. Grammar is a weapon in the online comment game. Know your “there” from your “their.” Get your “it’s” and “its” game on point. These are part of your arsenal. Doesn’t matter how stupid the point you’re trying to make is. They slip up their grammar game and you jump on ’em, that’s step one in winning over the hearts and minds.

What’s your position on Israel? Don’t have one? Get one. And none of that nuanced, compromised shit either. You either need to be Pro or Con. And you gotta be ready to bust that out anywhere. You hear me? ANYWHERE. It doesn’t matter if you’re watching a YouTube clip of an old episode of Rugrats. Israel/Palestine WILL come up.

What about Obama birther conspiracies? How versed are you in them? Shiii-it. Come on, son! You think you can just wade into the deep end with the big boys and not have your birther conspiracies on lock? You need a stance, one way or the other. You need links. You need to be ready to debate this for four to six hours with an anonymous 14-year-old boy from Kansas City. You just need that.

This isn’t easy. If it were, everyone would just sit around all day and comment incessantly on the internet.

What’s that? Do you need to develop content of your own? Publish stuff?

Ha. Wait. You serious?

Terry, get over here. Kid just asked if he needs to be published to be taken seriously as a commenter on the internet.


Sorry. Whew. Sorry, kid. But come on. You’re clowning me with that, right? You don’t need to publish anything. The internet is your publisher! You don’t even need to do anything in real life! That’s the beauty, right? You can be anyone, and I mean ANYONE, and if you’re willing to sit there for hours and debate these people, then you can be a champ.

I mean, you gotta work hard. But you don’t gotta work THAT hard, you know?

Watch three birther conspiracy videos. Maybe a 9/11 conspiracy doc. They’re up on YouTube. Then go pick a stance on Israel/Palestine, the legalization of marijuana, and healthcare. Doesn’t matter which way you go. And don’t worry about researching too much.

Get your grammar game on point, then go watch a dozen episodes of Community. When you do all that, you’re ready baby! Now get out there. Make it happen. That top comment of a Buzzfeed article about dancing kittens is just sitting there, waiting for you to take it.

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