Sometimes Soulmates Don’t Work Out

A certain myth said that humans were created with 2 heads, 4 arms and hands, 4 legs and feet. The gods were so envious of their content and happiness that they decided to split them in half – making them into how we are now, dooming them to look all over the world for their other half. To make them complete, whole again.

That, they said, was how soulmates came to be.

I met mine already. Four years ago. We were both ambitious, liked and disliked the same things. We thought alike, acted the same. Stayed up late just talking – about our ambitions, deepest desires, the secrets we wanted no one else to know, our thoughts on how messed up the world was… how unfair it was how broke we were, and how we could talk but not see each other because we were many miles apart ( … doomed to look all over the world for their other half ).

And then I made what I consider to this day the biggest mistake I have made in my entire life… I fell in love. I cannot say how it was on the other side, but I was. We were convinced that if we could not fix how messed up we were, we would still hold each other’s hand through any tunnel of darkness our path may cross. Together, two broken people against the world.

But it didn’t end up that way. We were too alike – assumed we already knew ourselves and so knew the other. I was already suffering from self-esteem and anxiety. I didn’t trust myself, didn’t love myself. But I loved that person. I was wasting away, tearing at my half to make theirs complete. It wasn’t supposed to go that way. Eventually we ended it. When they tried to do it first, I begged and so we stayed. Then a few months afterwards I did it, there was no begging to stay. So we drifted apart. I disappeared without a trace. Left social media, deactivated my email, changed my number, the works. That’s the thing about being broke and in a long distance relationship, it’s too easy to cut things off and vanish.

I can’t say it was all awful. I found a lot of things through my soulmate like my favorite band, how I don’t really hate cats but just don’t want to have one, how koalas are cute and do go well with pandas in terms of being adorable, that I don’t want to have children someday… and of course, that I’ve found the other half as described by the myth.

Now, four years later, I admit I still check up on them. Not that much as I used to though.

I check your instagram until you locked it. I used to always look at the posts you made when we were still together – of me sleeping, the things I sent you, how you always marked the 4th of the month, the homework I helped you with, many more. Three years later you still didn’t delete them. It’s not that I was reminiscing because I wanted to get back together… I was trying to see if you chose to forget about me unlike how I will always want to remember you. I may have regretted falling in love but never how I met my other half, the person who has the rest of my pieces.

Today I look at all the people around me, trying to find what I already have a long time ago. I wish them luck. I hope they find the rest of their soul and have the conviction to do the right thing: choose between keeping their soulmate to themselves, being with someone so like them or meeting them and live in that moment for a while, but eventually go your separate ways and let someone else enjoy that other half of your soul. Because I did, or at least I’d like to believe that I chose to.

To the person who has the other 2 arms and hands, 2 legs and feet, head – the one who is my other half in the myth. I don’t know if you will ever read this or if you will realize that this is about you and me but it is. You will always have a place in my heart and in my memory. I will never forget and will always be thankful for meeting you. I wish you well.

Perhaps someday, if fate permits, we can finally sit in that coffee shop we used to talk about. But instead of discussing our futures and life together it would be about the lives we led after meeting, how we might still be the same people… two peas in a pod, despite the times we were apart. And we will laugh about how amusing that is, like the first time we talked and realized how amazing it was. I might finally be able to touch you and prove wrong my theory that the universe might explode because people like us are too alike to exist in the same space.

If fate permits. It might, because it already allowed us to meet that faithful day… 4 years ago.