The 10 Commandments For Having a Girlfriend


  1. Thou shalt not attempt to prove thy girlfriend’s emotions logically incorrect. Thy girlfriend finds this to be one of thy most frustrating and alienating behaviors, as this only illustrates thy unwillingness to recognize her feelings, and that thou is actually just trying to tell her that her feelings do not exist. Furthermore, as a general rule, thou shalt not rely too heavily on logic when addressing any and all emotional issues; emotional issues, by their nature, are not logical. Instead, it is most expedient to meet emotional issues with emotion of thy own – positive emotion, preferably – and if thou feels no emotion at all, well then, thou may be in for a long discussion.
  2. Thou shalt make a sincere, sustained attempt to be emotionally available as much as possible, even in the face of extreme difficulty, because thy emotional availability is what sold her on thee in the first place. If thou cannot be emotionally available (which is understandable, as one cannot be emotionally available at all times), thou shalt at least cue thy girlfriend in as to why thou is not emotionally available and ask for her patience and understanding.
  3. Along the same lines, thou shalt keep an open line of communication as much as is possible. If thou finds this difficult – for keeping an open line of communication can be a difficult task – thou shalt remain undeterred. Keeping an open line of communication will reinforce the positive aspects of thy relationship and strengthen mutual problem solving skills, as well as condition the two of ye to be consistently open and honest with each other.
  4. Thou shalt not pretend to be someone else for thy girlfriend’s benefit, for this can only lead to secrets, shame, and thy own alienation and estrangement, which is a recipe for extreme dissatisfaction if this Maker has ever heard of one.
  5. Thou shalt not engage in point-by-point ‘takedown’ arguments with thy girlfriend, for they are, ironically, pointless. Further, thou shalt minimize bickering matches, because their existence only indicates problems of a deeper nature, and it is here that thou should explore. In other words, if thou finds himself consistently getting pissy about thy girlfriend’s genuine mistakes or altogether innocent behavior, thou shalt not blame it on her.
  6. Thou shall throw the concept of ‘fairness’ out the door; fairness does not apply in this realm. No two people are alike, and, for example, thou being okay with thy girlfriend crying and getting upset over a trivial matter does not directly indicate that thy girlfriend in turn should be okay with the same behavior from thee. Put simply, thou shalt not operate on a ‘tit-for-tat’ or ‘I did you a favor, now you owe me a favor’ mentality. That is for the outside world, and ideally, thy relationship takes a significant amount of its strength from the idea that it is the two of ye against the world.
  7. Similarly, thou shalt not perceive lying, betrayal or other negative behaviors as grave black/white, never-to-be-forgiven indicators that thy girlfriend has turned completely against thee. Furthermore, thou shalt never expect thy girlfriend to atone for offenses against thee or feel that she deserves to be treated badly because she has done something to insult thee. Such a mindset is the type of mindset a parent takes when dealing with her child; I the Lord Your Savior am the only One to which thou and thy girlfriend shall atone.
  8. Thou shalt not enter into a state of despair upon not being able to ‘solve’ or ‘figure out’ thy girlfriend’s emotional problems that she tells thee about. Most of the time, thy girlfriend prefers that thee simply is there for her, cares that she feels bad, and can empathize; so it is okay if thou does not have solutions all the time.
  9. Thou shalt not, in any case, treat thy girlfriend’s problems as ‘crimes’ against the relationship, for this will only alienate her and make her feel as if she cannot confide in thee, and thus must confide in someone else (perhaps a future suitor).
  10. Thou shalt probably just go with her to see her family if she wants thee to, even if it sucks ass and feels like a total waste of time.

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