The 10 Types Of Couples You’ll Meet After College
By Lance Pauker
1. “Like A Rock”
Many an early to mid 20’s couple aspires to the timeless credo once preached by Chevrolet:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IocCC1-jeTY&w=584&h=390]
Both parties view “relationship life” incredibly different from their wild and single lives. They find the stability comforting–a stability that, to your friends’ chagrin, is probably built to last. Since when were either of you this boring?
2. The Transaction
There was an interesting article/rebuttal on TC yesterday about willingly marrying after falling out of love, solely to due financial and “appearance” considerations.
While the great-great-great grandparents of each author would be unquestionably baffled (marrying for love is a fairly new trend, y’all, and there’s not much statistical evidence to suggest that it’s here to stay), this sort of “arrangement” is incredibly common on a lesser scale.
We’ve all seen the couple that’s using each other for one reason or another; be it consistent sex, money, or simply sustained image projection. They’re usually doomed because of the noticeable and glaring lack of aformentioned love, but certainly a mid-20’s staple.
3. Quicksand
Girl is much, much more into the guy but the guy doesn’t know how to break up with her. Or vice-versa.
An offshoot of “the transaction,” but the exchange is not quite mutual. It’s more like sharing a milkshake, only one person is taking loud, obnoxious sips and getting their backwash all up in the milkshake.
You get this at any stage of life, though now they’re increasingly difficult to stomach given that we’re old enough to be self-aware of this highly unnecessary reality.
4. Self-Improvement Steve And Sam
Their idea of a date is setting the alarm for 6am and getting in a great run by the park overlooking the river. Gotta beat the crowd. Gotta celebrate that personal best with the world’s finest coconut water.
5. The Beast And The Harlot
The title above refers to that of an Avenged Sevenfold song. The song operates on this strangely bi-polar plane, functioning as almost two different songs in the same track:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bDg7n-chhU&w=584&h=390]
One minute they’re getting married, the next minute they’re on indefinite break. The next minute one of them is doing the 2013 equivalent of apologizing profusely whilst throwing rocks at your lover’s window. Which I think is sending 50+ consecutive heart emojis.
6. A Slow And Painful Amtrak Death
They dated 2+ years in college, so naturally one being in Boston and the other being in DC is no big thang. They both love each other enough to power through. Or more accurately, they’re both terrified of facing the reality that at least half of their college relationship career wasn’t worth the investment.
Like Brett Favre in his later years, there is a great tendency to really force the issue. They’ll probs find themselves in a breakup stalemate–neither party wants to admit that the $300 Amtrak trips stopped being worth it six months ago. Heartbreaking, but it’ll probably cede to a very exciting single phase.
7. Piper and Alex
Orange Is The New Black’s “it couple” spent their early 20’s living the sort of fever dream that only seems realistic in television shows where cultural exploits don’t have “real” consequences. Nonetheless, we all know that wildly experimental duo that views rules as items to creatively bend and break. Most likely to be open to a threeesome.
8. Food Network Fiends
They like watching the Food Network. They like telling other people that they like watching the Food Network. They like spending evenings placing Whole Foods bags on the kitchen table, moderately bumping Feist or Imogen Heap, and cooking recipes gleaned from watching the Food Network.
9. More Than OK Cupid
Because I shave about 2x a week and skew pessimistic, I go to a lot of comedy shows. Most clubs in NYC tend to stick couples in the front, given that they’re (a. easy targets, and (b. are two people, and seating groups of 7 right in the front insinuates the club owner is a spatially challenged ignoramus.
I’ve noticed with increasing frequency that a lot of these up-front couples will have met online. And comics are now having a harder time jabbing at that stigma, given that online dating is now like cocaine on Wall Street in the 1980’s.
But perhaps more impressively, these guys and gals always seem to be ready for the assault. Feathers unruffled, you could tell marraige is probs gonna happen. More than OK Cupid.
10. Raunchy Internet-Fueled Hookup Turned Forevs
What starts with a one party fawningly tweeting at the other regarding their sweet hookup-related article will lead to a Facebook stalking in which 2 mutual friends are discovered. Which will then turn into discovering that same person on Tinder, which will immediately result in a destination wedding. Done and done.