The 5 People In Hell I’d Love To Grab A Beer With


Sometimes I hear a news story so outrageous, it bothers me for hours. I saw headlines this week like “6 dead babies found in mothers basement” or “Barber Chased by Furious Naked Man After He Films Him Climbing All Over a Bus.” By the way, I googled “crazy people news” and Gawker actually has a section dedicated to news with that exact title; respect. Anyway, I got to thinking, I’d love to sit down with these maniacs and just have a conversation with them about their thought process and motives. This led to me to think of the 5 craziest people that I’d like to kick it with at happy hour and have a completely open discussion with. Call me crazy, but craziness intrigues me.

5. Gehngis Khan

“The greatest happiness is to drive [your enemy] before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.” Yeah, he actually said that. He also killed his brother at age 13 because he stole Genghis’ fish. By the time he died of natural causes in 1227, he had killed up to 60 million people, or 30% of the world population. If he felt like having fun, oftentimes he would kill you by pouring molten metal in your eyes. If he agreed to happy hour with me, I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’d skip the whole “so tell me about yourself” and dive straight into “really, A fish?” a man this powerful and this ruthless, I’d need a few weeks to just grasp the sociopathic state of mind that pillages cities as populated as Boston. Questions would include “who was your greatest victory? Did you ever feel the least amount of guilt? What went through your mind the hour before you died? If you could do it all again, what would you do differently? What values did your parents instill in you?”

4. John, King of England

I have to give this kid the benefit of the doubt, considering his father imprisoned his own mother when poor john was just 7. He was bred to be an asshole, which I can only understand being raised around new money. Basically, John took the reins of an empire that he had hoped to expand through military power in his early twenties. His royal funders didn’t even agree with his tactics, knowing he was a spoiled bitch (we all know one of them). This probably had something to do with his dear friend and monetary supporter William de Briouze, of whom King John ended up seeing as a threat and ordered his wife and son to be starved to death in his dungeon. His killings do not amass to the others, but he is of worthy note due to his reputation of killing his friends, sleeping with their wives, and shamelessly suffering his people. I see us not just getting happy hour, but raging through the city’s finest clubs and ending the night egging peasants, laughing so hard we piss ourselves. Questions would include “which of your boys did you not screw over? At any point, did you realize everyone hated you? Did you care in the slightest? Do you take pride in having the nickname “Bad King John?” which of your friend’s wives was best in bed? What was the name of your army horse, and why?” You know this man due to his portrayal as the antagonist to Robin Hood, my third favorite movie villain.

 3. Mao Zedong

By the time Mao died in 1976, his reign and controlled famine in China had killed up to 70 million people. 700,000 citizens had killed themselves alone out of fear of this one man’s rule. His preferred method of torture was burning people alive with kerosene or nailing their palms to a table and then inserting bamboo spikes between their fingernails. I picture us meeting at a local satanic sushi bar, taking sake bombs and then getting dirty in the details. Questions would include “why do you hate your own citizens so much? What were you trying to accomplish? Did you instill any positivity in your followers? Did you ever question your methods? How did you sleep at night? Why so serious?” he seems like a boring guy, but I’d still like see him kill a few rolls of sashimi and talk apathetically about his bloody legacy.

2. Joe Kennedy

Joe and I cool down sipping Johnny Walker Blue after a round of golf at the country club. The booze is helping with the nerves because Joe is a man I respect greatly but also hate with a passion. He amassed his fortune with the old “pump and dump” scheme, getting his rich buddies to join him in pouring money into a stock, which in turn would triple or quadruple in value in a matter of hours. When the stock was at its peak, they all would sell it, plummeting the stocks and sending tens of thousands into bankruptcy and unemployment. Then, when he was appointed chairmen of FTC by his pal FDR, he passed a law banning the pump and dump because it was unethical. Joe had a knack for annihilating political enemies, which would drive the corruption and bribery behind JFK’s rise to power. Poor Jack just wanted to chase women and teach history, but his asshole of a father was like “no, you will be the most powerful man in the new world whether you like it or not.” Jack obliged, because that’s what you do with someone like Joe. Questions would include “was FDR’s wife really into women? Did you ever feel bad bankrupting innocent and hard working Americans for your own glory? Who was better in the bedroom, Gloria Swanson or Marlene Dietrich? Who was the one person, if there was one, that you feared? Do you think Bobby’s as big of a sissy as the rest of the country does?”

1. Uday Hussein

I know you’re cringing at this point, but hang in there, there’s only one more. Saddams’ eldest son created a reputation for himself that was so brutal and ostentatious that his own father shunned him from politics, instead passing the reigns to Udays’ younger brother, Qusay. He raped any women he thought was attractive, had a secret torture chamber for ‘shits and gigs’ (which included an iron maiden), and kept a torture scorecard while watching Iraqi sports teams to remember which athletes to torment when they lost. Uday was like a combination of Tony Stark and Jeffery Dahmer (who almost made the list), for he was a playboy with a taste for exotic cars, grand parties, fine suits, all things gold, and peeling off peoples skin with an exacto knife. Homeboy was ill, son. I see us pulling back champagne at his private zoo, petting white tigers across the table from a monkey wearing a bowtie. Cocaine lines are strewn from the patio to the bedroom, where his three girlfriends await. Once he stops talking about how great of a man he is, I’d slip in the inquiries. “Tell me about your father, Lucifer. Do you have any regrets? Top speed in your lambo? Do you even care that your father hates you? If you could sleep with one American celebrity, who would it be and why? Are you aware you will be seated next to Hitler at hells’ dining room table?”

People are sick. You have to admit though; it would be interesting to pick at the brains of history’s most evil men. You may be wondering why Hitler didn’t make the list, and it’s because we already know everything about him. What more could I ask Hitler that I didn’t learn in 5th grade history?