The 7 Types Of Business Cards There Are, And What They Say About You

1. The stupid wood texture.

I hate these types of business cards. They often come on a material other than card stock, making them stick out of a Rolodex or other business card organizer. I know the intent is to be memorable, but all I think about is how expensive it must of been to order 300 copies of your card in whatever paper + wood mixture your card is made of.

2. The “I am Important”

For those who take themselves very seriously. Slick, made of some sort of metal alloy and cold to the touch, these cards exude a sense of professionalism. They also fall into the category of “trying way too damn hard”. Looks like paper is just too soft for your executive style associate management skills right?

3. The way too honest.

I get you. I am you. You are a creative person that isn’t “really” good at anything and confuse crippling self honesty with courage. I know it sounded like a courageous thing in your head, but it comes off as pathetic and cloying. Note: this card says nothing about a job function. It’s because you are willing to do anything. Anything.

4. The “oh, does it bother you I am different?”

So you are a dancer. Oh, sorry, performer. My mistake, you are an “interpretive body artist”. Reality is, you don’t really care what anyone thinks and your card is a spit in the face for anyone that asks for it. You relish the confused stares and hesitant nods your card creates, and never miss an opportunity to reply “What’s so cool about it?” God, I hate you.

5. The Pretentious anything.

You do weddings and family portraits. You make advertisements for local hardware stores. You help senior citizens make blogs. You have found a pretty cushy spot surrounding your self around clients that don’t know enough about your industry to realize how average you are, and that’s ok. Thanks to your SUPER SERIOUS business card and all black equipment bags, everyone knows you are “the best in town” and come recommended highly. Refuses to work with others.

6. The I don’t know what I’m doing.

X site offers free business cards if they are under Y character count? Sounds like a steal! This card is literally useless and only real purpose is to make your parents feel like you are doing something with you life. You will never give this to anyone, and when you finally do, it will be an embarrassing formality after receiving a business card from someone with an actual career. Still have 295 left of them in your drawer somewhere.

7. The Contrast.

You know damn well you are good at your job and your resume is literally more impressive than muscles on a goldfish. You charm is ridiculous and everyone you meet wants to hire you. Naturally, they ask for your card and you whip out this bad mother F***er. Wow. You didn’t even try to design this card because you are too busy dominating your local competition. You force people to respect you, and your stupid card.

8.The graphic designer.

Graphic designers have an unhealthy relationship with business cards. For them, it is literally a display of their entire skill set. Most of us can get away with a crappy business card, but not them. They are bright, colorful, and above all else, desperate. You can almost feel the aura of “please hire me” radiating off of each one. Tip: don’t ever have to graphic designers compare their business cards. They will kill each other.