The Day I Realized I Was Enough

We had been dating for three months when he ghosted me. I’d never felt anything like that before. It hurts when you trust someone then he abandons you. It was like he disappeared from the surface of the earth; my texts weren’t delivered and my snaps were never opened. It was like that for three days before I finally decided to call him, and that’s when it all started.

The good morning texts stopped, the middle of the day texts stopped, going out for drinks stopped, but what didn’t stop was him texting me at night telling me to come over.

I thought it would be enough, because at the time I thought, “I’d rather have him in my bed than not have him at all.” He knew he had this power over me. I thought only having sex with him would be enough, but it wasn’t. I missed his good morning texts and I missed him being the person he was when I met him. The longer it lasted, the more shitty I felt about myself. I would only feel good when he texted me. I would go out every weekend at the same bar to maybe bump into him. I posted Snapchat stories for him to see, but he never did because he never cared.

One evening, I went to his house for our usual hook up session and decided to spend the night. At 4 a.m., he woke me up because he had to go to work and basically kicked me out. I had to drive home and lied to my parents the next morning about why I got home at 4:30 in the morning. I knew at that very moment that it was toxic, that I had to put an end to it.

I texted him the next week saying I would bring his shirt back (the only possession of his that I had) and that I wanted my earrings back (the ones I left at his house on purpose). That night, I went to his house and put his shirt on his dresser, then looked at him; he looked so peaceful when he slept. I quietly laid down next to him, and he held me tightly. I was cold and uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to let go because I knew it would be the last time. I stayed like that for an hour before I left. It was the last day I went to his house.

For a month, he kept sending me his 3 a.m. Friday night texts, but I never responded because I knew I had enough. I knew that I was enough.