The Girl I Wanted To Be Versus The Woman I Am Aiming To Become

I’m halfway through my twenties. There’s a lot of implication in that sentence – already people are falling into three camps. Some think eh, that’s far away, whatever. Some think, yup, same here, I’m ready for some relatable truths. Or, they think wow, what a child, you have so many years ahead. And all of these are totally justifiable stances.

Because all of us at some point or another take a moment to reflect on who we were, who we want to be, and who we are right now. The thing that no one preaches to us as children is that these concepts of ourselves are changing constantly.

So we look to these celebs and influencers as they say in interviews how they’ve “always known” they wanted to do x. We then look to ourselves thinking okay must be me then because I have no idea who I’m supposed to be. Bitterly, we assume it must be nice for them to know all the answers on top of being gorgeous, talented, and rich.

In fact, the girl I wanted to be had all the answers too. Honestly, I don’t know what flaws she had. I don’t know that I ever dreamed her up to have any flaws.

The girl I wanted to be was perfect. She was somehow the life of the party, yet equally responsible. She was cool and funny and extremely intelligent. No one dared mess with her in a debate, or in life. The girl I wanted to be would walk into a party and everyone felt they had to be on their A-game because that’s how mighty her presence was.

The girl I wanted to be was ambitious above all else. She didn’t know what resting was, all she cared about was the hustle. Success was something worth sacrificing everything else, and anything less than 100% might as well have been 0%.

The girl I wanted to be was the epitome of the Cool Girl. She let anything slide because getting upset was the ultimate failure. She never wanted anyone to know they hurt her feelings. The girl I wanted to be had a confidence that was akin to ignorant bliss.

The girl I wanted to be took on everything. She could do it all and then some. No one could call her incompetent or lazy. No one could really call her happy either.

And so, the girl I wanted to be burnt the hell out. She got knocked down one too many times to the point where she couldn’t get back up, literally.

Thus, the woman I am aiming to become emerged.

The woman I am aiming to become knows that the people who are worshipped pay a price for the adoration. She knows that they don’t in fact have all the answers and that even if they did, they probably aren’t the same answers to the questions she is asking.

The woman I am aiming to become knows she doesn’t have to pick a definitive thing to be for the rest of her years. She is liberated in her understanding of the ever-changing flow of life. This allows her to pick things up and put them down as she pleases, without harboring guilt for either action.

The woman I am aiming to become knows she is flawed. She knows that she will never attain perfection because such an ideal does not exist. She works on the things that will make her improve, but she accepts the things that are a part of who she is.

The woman I am aiming to become walks into a party and maybe one or two people sigh of relief because they have someone they feel safe talking to. She makes people around her feel comfortable and at home. She is wholeheartedly herself, and so she simply invites others to exhale their bravado as well.

The woman I am aiming to become knows how precious her time and energy is. She doesn’t waste it trying to prove herself to those who are hell-bent on thinking what they want of her anyway. She has her sights set on her goals with the flexibility to change them as she comes into her own. She knows there is nothing noble about overexertion.

The woman I am aiming to become speaks up when things hurt her. She defends herself as a parent to her inner child. She knows that anger and sadness are on the wide spectrum of human emotion, and she knows she has a right to address situations that evoke those emotions. The woman I am aiming to become knows there’s nothing shameful about standing up for hurt feelings, especially when they are her own.

The woman I am aiming to become is open to change. She is honest with herself, kind to herself, and in turn, is honest and kind to others.

The woman I am aiming to become still messes up. She fights with her friends and cries over small things and always feels like she could be doing better.

The woman I am aiming to become still doesn’t know exactly what her life looks like.

And my favorite thing about the woman I am now is knowing that that’s okay.