The Love I Ran Away From

You were the one I wasn’t expecting. You didn’t catch my eye like others do, instead you caught something more personal – you caught my heart. To this day the thought of you looking at me; grabbing me around the waist; or kissing me suddenly like you always did gives me butterflies.

You came along out of the blue. There was someone else at the time we met, but your conversation and our instant connection sparked something in me. I hadn’t spoken so openly and honestly with anyone of the opposite sex in a long time, and to be able to do it with you felt strangely comforting.

The first time we kissed, I could have spent forever wrapped in your arms in your darkened living room, my head resting on your chest. The first night we spent together, I wanted the hours to blur into days as we lay entwined interspersing deep conversations with deep kisses.
The first night we wandered the city hand in hand, I would have been happy for the night to turn into day and walk until the earth stopped turning just to hold your hand and feel you next to me as we talked and admired the beauty of the city lights.

The first time we sat in silence on a Sunday afternoon, just listening to the rain and holding each other, I could have spent eternity in the comfort of your body contorted around mine, your heartbeat gently whispering in my ear.

The first time we argued in the middle of the night I felt wanted the world to swallow me up. I found you in the darkness as you smoked out the window in frustration. I wrapped my arms around you from behind and you took me in your arms and we kissed each other, apologised and fell into bed tangled in each other.

The first time I pushed you away, I was childish. I was scared and all I wanted was for you to pull me back and you did. A strange insecurity rooted deep within me demanded to be addressed and childishly I fell prey to it.

The first time you told me you loved me, I ran away.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of you and what I gave up. Not a night goes by without imagining me being wrapped in your arms. Something about you loving me, about the intensity with which you kissed me, the strength of your caresses scared me. I wish I were braver – brave enough to tell you this to your face; brave enough to try again; brave enough to be loved by you, but I know now you’re destined to be my What If. You will always be the one I let go because I was too stupid to know better. I hope in the future I know better. I hope you find someone who knows better. You deserve all the love in the world, even if I was too scared to give you it, I pray you find it.