The Mystery of Kerry Washington (And Other Celebrities I Find Defunct)


It doesn’t take much more than a pair of eyes to realize (five points for rhyming) that celebrities are ubiquitous. But as someone who devours Us Weekly for breakfast, I often wonder why they go to events for projects they’re not involved in? If that’s the norm in Hollywood, then Michele Salahi just lives on the wrong coast.

Disclaimer: I have no personal vendettas or grudges held against the following celebrities, they are just the victims of my insomnia.

Kerry Washington: This girl is everywhere. Every month I read (since you care) Glamour, InStyle, Allure, Cosmpolitan, and a few issues of Us Weekly. (And Time, but, irrelevant!) I can safely say she is always somewhere in the pages of each. Kerry kicks Waldo’s ass, and she’s not even trying. I normally wouldn’t be so perplexed by this except I never know what she is doing. The only project of hers that I’m aware of is The Olmstead Legacy, and that’s because the screenwriter is my sister’s best friend. How did she get those pouty lips of hers onto page after page? The world may never know.

Kim Kardashian: The Kueen of the Kardashian Klan (sorry, Kris) is impossible to ignore. And sure, she does have some business endeavors going on (rumor has it she’s also getting her MFA in film…) but Kim has marketed herself incessantly into a brand faster than any other celebrity. True, she has two reality shows (about her photoshoots and nightlife, which are in turn occur because of said shows), a book, a fragrance, a failed credit card, a skincare line, and – I’m sure – plenty of other products I can’t think of at 3 A.M. In other words, Kim is just building a life out of a life, which isn’t really much of a life at all. Oh, that was deep.

Kristin Cavallari: I am convinced this Laguna Beach veteran is just invited places because she is pretty. Hey, I would go to swanky parties even if they invited me to shine their shoes. And then I would steal them. Regardless, Cavallari is known for some impressive quotables, most notably being “STI-VENNN,” her mating call to her high school boyfriend, Stephen Colletti. My personal favorite is “Dunzo,” which I try to work into conversation when I remember, which is about every six months. If she continues to be famous for no reason, maybe my dream of her and Lauren Conrad singing “The Boy is Mine” will finally come true.

Emmy Rossum: I am throwing Emmy Rossum in here for name diversity and because I don’t want people thinking I am secretly writing a message to the KKK. Now, Emmy is in a new show with William H. Macy (or depending on which life he’s in, a dog), Shameless. But before this I would still spot her on the red carpet solo, or in NYC with her then-boyfriend Adam Duritz. It really seemed like there was a lull between Phantom of the Opera and Shameless, but unlike normal people lulls involving a pint of Phish Food and watching Will & Grace on Lifetime, Emmy’s involved lavish soireés where silk taffeta and bellinis are present.

Rachel Bilson: Screen time for the The O.C. alum has been seldom, just like her fictional best friend Marissa Cooper, played by the uber-teen turned train wreck Mischa Barton. Currently, Rachel writes a style column for one of the magazines previously mentioned, and she is constantly photographed in cute little ensembles often topped with a straw fedora hat that your neighbor tried to wear but it was eleven dollars from Old Navy and they never pulled it off. Bilson was good as the spoiled yet optimistic Summer Roberts, and I sincerely hope that in ten years we are talking about her as yuppies talk about the cast of 90210 (the original).

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image – David Shankbone