The Only 5 Fashion Tips You’ll Ever Need To Know

1. Unless you’re an Olsen twin or a starving teenager in Ethiopia, avoid wearing oversized clothing

During my sophomore year of college, I decided that it would be a really chic idea to start wearing size X-large t-shirts and pair them with my black skinny jeans. I was convinced that the size inequity (tight on bottom, loose on top… wait isn’t that the title of a gay porno?) would make me look skinnier and thus more desirable to all the fine gay specimens at my state school located in Daly City. So I did it. I spent the next four months wearing giant t-shirts that looked like maternity clothing and honestly thought I looked flawless. My delusions were crushed, however, when I went shopping with a gay friend of mine, who actually was super, super Teen Vogue intern skinny, and saw him try on a size X-large t-shirt. On his waifish body, it actually resembled a nightgown whereas on me it just looked puffy and strange. Seeing him swim around in the shirt like a tiny gay jellyfish, I realized that’s what it was supposed to look like. Lesson learned. Unless you’re skeletal, wearing oversized clothing doesn’t make you look skinnier, it just makes you look like like you blacked out and bought the wrong size at the store.

2. Don’t cave to pressure from sales people

I used to be the worst at this. Someone could try to me sell a $500 latex body suit and if they were hot, I’d be like “kay.” I used to go into this really hip and expensive store because I had a crush on one of the workers and I swear to god, I spent a few hundred bucks on the weirdest stuff just because he would smile at me. I would just black out when he shot me one of those looks and tell him “Yes, I would like to buy the Rodarte lace tuxedo. Why not? I need it, right?” Jesus, that crush was expensive. I’ve learned the error of my ways though. Now whenever someone tries to sell me something I know I look terrible in, I just think “COMMISSION, COMMISSION, COMMISSION,” and it works like a charm.

3. Don’t buy things that are too small

This seems like a no-brainer but I think it’s something we all struggle with. At this point, we know something fits the second it hits our body. It’s not some science. It’s not going to grow on you. You’re not going to suddenly love the way it makes your chest look lumpy. I used to buy clothes that would serve as motivation to get in better shape but, shocker, that never happened. As a result, I have a closet full of clothes that could only fit my ten-year-old little brother. We know when something fits good and we will wear the crap out of it until it falls apart. I wore my favorite pair of jeans even when there was a giant hole in the crotch because I couldn’t let go. I still keep them today even though I wore them to literal sheds because I’ve deluded myself into thinking that I’ll one day become a designer on Project Runway and repair them myself. The point of this is to say that finding something that will fit you like a glove is rare but that doesn’t mean we should settle for anything less. If you don’t feel comfortable in something the first time you put it on, you’ll never wear it.

4. Don’t follow the trends if the trends aren’t following you

There are so many people who wore high-waisted shorts and skinny jeans out of some misguided sense of duty to the fashion trends and they just shouldn’t have. Their body wasn’t made to wear high-waisted shorts (Spoiler: very few bodies are). If a fashion trend is made popular by Kate Moss, chances are it can only be worn by toddlers and other fashion models. That woman has the body of a 12-year-old girl, for god sakes. What looks good on her frame will not look good on 99% of the population. Back in the day/gay, I used to wear the tightest skinny jeans imaginable and it made my legs look like sausages. Now I know very well I don’t have fat legs but when they’re squeezed into a style meant to accommodate Pete Doherty, they’re going to look a little inflated, so I had to stop wearing them. Do yourself and your body a favor by just wearing things that will make YOU look good, not some anorexic 14-year-old Swedish model with no tits.

5. When in doubt, just wear black

New York taught me this rule and I’ll forever be indebted to the city because of it. Ever struggling over what to wear? Just wear black. I’m serious. If you’re a girl, just put on a black dress and call it a damn day. If you’re a dude, just wear black boots, black jeans, a white t-shirt (to avoid being too goth) and a black jacket. Done. Wearing black makes everyone look a little bit more high fashion, which is ridiculous because it usually requires no innovation or skill. When I dress head to toe in black, it doesn’t mean I have a good fashion sense. It just means that I was too lazy to put in any thought to my outfit. It’s your go-to, your “Get out of fashion jail free” card. Use it!