The Truth Is, I Miss Myself


A letter to myself:

I know that things have felt a little different lately—having kids tends to do that. This journey has been beyond joyous in ways I could have never even imagined and in ways I’m still not quite able to put into words, but it has also been painfully difficult.

Among all the sacrifices, yielding to the reality of not being able to spend as much time with you has been one of the absolute worst. When I actually get a chance to think about it and I take a moment to reminisce, it tears me apart inside.

The truth is, I miss you terribly. When I start to think about you, that mysterious lump rises up in my throat and I’m unable to contain my yearning. All I want to do is put up flyers to aid the search while I drive around in the dark and yell your name.

I miss your comfort and the sense of calm that washes over me from those brief moments when we are alone together. I miss the confidence I feel and the certainty I have when we get a chance to really talk.

I miss those deep moments of reflection within the stillness and peacefulness of our own thoughts. And most importantly, I miss the moments of just being with you when we have absolutely nothing to say at all.

The constancy of being a mom and the endless ways I give and extend myself is so incredibly important to me, but also extremely exhausting. I often feel tired and drained because I never seem to get a proper recharge with you.

I find myself yelling and screaming more than I ever thought I would, and at times I feel completely out of control—that’s when I miss your tactfulness the most.

I know that things will shift, like they always do. A time will come when we will start to have more than just the tiny moments and it will feel like we were never really apart at all.

When the dust settles, we will sit down in silence and become reacquainted on a much deeper level. I will indulge and feel revitalized, feeling all the things I have been missing.

But I also know that during that time, something else will start to shift and become a little different, and likely only a small amount of time will pass before I begin to yearn for it as well.

But for now, I just so badly want you. I’m not wishing or hoping for things to change, because there’s so much I love in all the moments that I have. But I will be here, unwavering, waiting patiently for our time to come, because the truth is, I miss you terribly.