Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Someone’s Twitter


Oh, so this is a funny guy. His tweets are all jokes. I respect that. Whoa, he has 70,000 followers? Jesus. Stand-up comedians are like golden gods on Twitter. After spending their whole life getting shit on, they finally get to be one of the popular kids. Wow, his tweets are pretty hysterical. I’ll follow him.

Who is “mRsSunLuvr” and why is she following me? She has 35 followers and she’s following 482. Jeez, desperado! She tweets to Lady Gaga, talks about the weather and tweets her horoscope. I’ll C U in virtual hell, misssy!

I’m sitting at home reading the live-tweets of an acquaintance’s night out. They were eating sushi but now they’re headed to a bar named Black & White with three of their friends. Now, they’re trying to meet up with their other friend to go to some diner. Gee, it’s like I’m right there with them instead of in bed wearing a nightgown. Why does it feel so thrilling?

Oh, this is person is so good at Twiter. I feel like we’d be really good friends IRL, you know? His tweets are just so me. Get out of my head and come hang out with me!

How does Kim Zolciak’s daughter have 15,000 followers on Twitter? The internet is so weird.

This person is a tweeting minimalist. She deletes most of her tweets because it disrupts the flow of her Twitter. She’s clearly treating it like a weird art project, a collection of her best thoughts. She gets rid of most of her @ tweets probably because it creates clutter and chaos. Everything that stays on there is intended to be a part of a larger narrative. So pomo.

This person likes to tweet on Ambien. Therefore, I’m going to follow them.

OMG, why won’t my ex follow me back on Twitter? I gave you my heart, body, and so much drama, and this is how you repay me? I’m serious, follow me back!!!!

Why did “NastyGurl’ Follow Friday me when she doesn’t actually follow me? Sigh, the mysteries of Twitter.

This person is old. Game over.

Everyone tries to be the best version of themselves on Twitter. It’s sort of like a virtual cool kid cafeteria. Which lunch table will you get invited to sit at? It’s so cliquey and you have the opportunity to get rejected daily, whether it be by an ignored @ tweet or when someone chooses not to follow you back. But you know what? It’s better than Facebook. Because at least you don’t have to see photo albums of fat people from your high school getting married. And you get to choose who ends up in your feed. You are not allowed to deny a Facebook friend request. It’s practically illegal. However, you can easily not follow someone back. That’s totally socially acceptable. People want to keep the ratios uneven and you can’t hold it against them! Sure, you’ll be hurt, but you must keep it to yourself. If someone doesn’t accept your Facebook friend request, then they’re an asshole who deserves to get called out. With Twitter, the stakes are higher and you can’t say shit. Twitter is essentially Facebook but with a smaller and smarter brain.