This Is How You Approach 30


This is how you get through the week leading up to the day you turn 29 and come one step closer to the big 3-0. This is how you survive the “oh, shit” moment where you realize you have passed the point of a quarter life crisis and are not yet ready for a midlife crisis.

Before you leave the safety of your own home:

Give yourself space and wake up slow. There is no reason to rush. Give yourself time to move through your morning rituals with the grace of royalty. Celebrate the start of the last week of your 28th year with a series of Sun Salutations to the goddesses. Thank you, yoga! Am I right? Put on as much makeup as you need to both feel and more importantly, look like you can conquer the day. There are many YouTube videos that can help you contour (it’s the new thing) your face so the sun hits it in a way that makes you appear to be no older than 27. Be sure to eat all of the overnight oats you most certainly screwed up because, well, Pinterest. Then (now here is the important part), stare at yourself in the mirror and repeat the following mantra three times: “I am unique. I am special. I am a winner at life.” You are now prepared to leave your house, my friend.

During the long commute to your stupid job that is just “too much stress for a 28 year old”:

As you walk to the train, look for special signs that the Universe is sending you to remind you how much you have accomplished in your 28 years here on Earth. Pay special notice to the rock in the shape of a heart that miraculously landed in your path. Immediately stop, take a picture of it, Instagram it and be sure to hash tag your post with something like this: #lastweekof28 #signs #love #owmyheart #theuniversegetsme. It is unlikely that you woke up without absolutely needing caffeine, so stop at the Starbucks, obviously. How else are you supposed to get through the day? Order your usual Quad Grande, Non Fat, Extra Hot Caramel Macchiato Upside Down. As always, be sure to silently ponder why getting your coffee “upside down” makes it taste so much better. Then decide not to care because Starbucks makes it easy for folks to get their coffee just the way they like it. Now you are ready to trek to the train. Shit, it looks SO crowded. Eff the train, pull up the Uber app. and catch a ride to work. It’s the LAST week of your 28th year. You owe it to yourself, don’t you?

Dealing with that job stress without getting face wrinkles:

As soon as you reach your perfect cubicle in the corner by the window, light your incense to spread good vibes. Remind yourself (gently) that the guru who gifted it to you is not your guru yet, but he will be just as soon as you convince him you are dedicated to becoming a minimalist. For now, continue to pay him to teach you. You know you are growing and that is all that matters. Plus side, you get incense. Ignore your annoying colleague who is obviously trying to piss you off by sneezing every damn time you light your incense. Who is allergic to sage anyway? She just doesn’t get how important vibes are to the workplace. Move through your day with ease. Continue to repeat your mantra: “I am unique. I am special. I am a winner at life”. Consume all the character spaces and then some in your text box while you write to a few friends planning out your weekend birthday celebrations and describing the intricacies of a perfect party. Details are imperative. Don’t get too irritated when they don’t respond right away. They are probably working. Also, make sure to take your lunch break. Three full meals are imperative when staying healthy. Grab your protein powder and fill up. Yum! Treat yourself today. Go for the chocolate powder. You deserve it. Relish in the fact that drinking your lunch will give you more caloric leeway for your big weekend ahead. Head back to your cube, tell a couple of your coworkers about your birthday. Maybe they will bring cupcakes (hopefully not homemade) and you can linger, pretend to small talk and work less on Friday. The afternoon is FINALLY here. Light up your salt lamp and let it warm your soul. Answer some emails. You are so accomplished, you awesome human, you. You are going to rock 29. Quick, get on Facebook before you leave and update your status, “Monday is over, bitches! 4 days till the birthday festivities. How am I going to make it through the rest of this week?!”

The long trek back home:

Thank god your brilliant self remembered to pack your yoga bag last night or you would have NEVER been able to leave your apartment once you stopped home after work. Just head straight to the studio and ignore the people who will inevitably push your yoga mat away from them on the train. It is definitely not your fault that you chose to work out and they chose to do nothing. You deserve to be there just as much as they do. Yoga will revitalize you, I promise. You deserve it too. Post your Savasana bliss, stop and get a juice to replenish your newly dehydrated, yet rejuvenated body. Spending seven dollars on smashed fruit never felt so good. Take a quick selfie of your glowing yoga face with fresh green juice in hand. Hash tag the following: #worthit #juice #healthybody #greens #postyogabliss #amiright. Don’t forget to feel bad about the environment for a minute and remember to throw your empty juice cup in the recycling receptacle. Stop for a moment, listen to the train rumbling and think about the huge impact you could also make on the environment if you promise to never drive again. You are a visionary. Get on the train and feel good about your choice. Shit. What is that smell? Rethink your choice to forever depend on public transportation. Barely make it home as you are dry heaving from the stench. On the walk to your apartment, think of all the other totally cool ways you could change the world. Like those bracelets you have bought multiples of that feed the poor people, or something in another country. You could totally do something like that.

You made it, kid:

How good does it feel to finally walk through your front entrance, climb too many steps, unlock your apartment door and sit the hell down? Decide the newly Whole Foods stocked fridge can wait and so can your vegan diet. It’s a Monday and Mondays are so hard to swallow. Sushi sounds fantastic, I bet. Go for it, it’s your birthday week and you are special. Treat yourself, you beautiful human. While you wait, get on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest. Scroll through the worlds of each social media realm and let yourself feel the deep connection to the other millennials out there. Social media can be so personal, can’t it? Search walls, boards and feeds to find a really incredible quote that totally sums up how you feel about the last year in your twenties. Make sure you think long and hard about whether to post it tonight to “kick off” birthday week or save it for birthday eve. Always decide on impulse. You’re still in your twenties, after all. Compulsively check how many “likes” you have gotten. You know there will be many. The quote was just so you. Devour your sushi and only feel a little bad about yourself. None of it was fried. It could totally be worse. Get ready for bed. Remember, nightly rituals are just as important as morning rituals. Eye makeup removed? Check. Face washed? Check. Anti-aging serum thoroughly applied? Check. Teeth flossed and brushed with whitening paste? Check. Nightly mantra recited out loud three times? “You are unique. You are special. You made it through today, thus you are a winner at life.” Check.