This Is Me Learning To Finally Say Goodbye


And just like that, something I wanted so badly slipped between my fingers, and I lost my first love. 

Today I write about my first, genuine heartbreak and how I plan to get back on track. I’m not sure if this will help you if you’re experiencing the loss of your first love or any love for that fact but this is how I will heal (or at least how I plan on doing so).

As cheesy as it may sound, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether you believe there is some supreme being who has better things in store, whether God has a plan or whether things are just falling into place for you at just the right time – I do believe in the predetermination of fate. My first real relationship, my first love. Despite only being a small part of my life timewise, you have left an imprint on me forever. We have parted ways for reasons I choose not to explain to strangers who do not know either of us. All I will say is that I have been left feeling broken, hurt, taken for granted and misunderstood. This is how I will repair my heart after the damage you caused it.

Step 1: Show yourself the same love you showed them

I’ve been told one too many times that I wear my heart on my sleeve and I give too quick, too soon. But that is my nature, that is me – I give my 100% in everything I do, and when I love – I love deeply, passionately and with all my being. That is why, after you chose to leave me, I decided to invest all my love in myself. After all, I deserve it.

Step 2: Erase you

I’ve made the decision that ‘staying friends’ isn’t something I could do at this point in time. I’ve realized that you want to stay friends is your way of convincing yourself that you haven’t hurt me. But you’re wrong, you hurt me the night I could hear the distance in your voice. You hurt me the night you turned your back on me and decided that you weren’t ready for someone who loves as deeply as me. You hurt me, and for that – I don’t want to ‘keep in contact.’ Goodbye.

Step 3: Embrace your friends

The first people I turned to that night were my family and my best friends. The people nearest and dearest to my heart and they embraced me with open arms. I cried in their arms, I cried through the microphone of my phone, I let it out. I didn’t try to contain my emotions, for if you have real friends, you will allow yourself to vent and clear your chest.

Step 4: Let it out

For me, writing is my release. It is through my words that I release my feelings, my tongue unleashes, and somehow the words begin to fall all over the page. Whatever your outlet is – use it. Be it exercise, dancing, music, singing, writing, talking – do whatever it is that lifts that deadly weight off your chest.

Step 5: Pack it up, Store it away

I tend to collect things – small things with mounds of meaning. It is these small things that are constant daily reminders of your absence in my life. I choose to pack them away and store them. Intertwined wires, your favorite perfume, tangle toys, photographs. I hope one day I find a box of trinkets at the back of my wardrobe or underneath my bed and I will be able to open it without bringing myself to tears over the thought of you not being mine. I hope I open it with a half-hearted smile and remember the good times with you because God knows we had so many of them.

I told you that I wish you the best, and I did and still do genuinely mean it.

Thank you for being the first person I let into my heart. Thank you for dropping it so carelessly and allowing me to learn how to heal, and grow as a person. I will remember the good times with you, I won’t forget you. I hope life treats you well.