This Is Why I Haven’t Found Someone Else

My friends and family don’t get it. “You’re an attractive, intelligent, young adult, in a new town with a lot going for you,” my mother insists. “Why don’t you get out there and meet someone?”

I small and nod to appease her, but the reality is I’m completely turned off about being in a relationship. I don’t know how to describe it to her or anyone really. But I get overcome with anxiety when I think about seriously dating anyone. I’ve even tried dating a couple of people, but within a short time, I feel smothered and get the urge to run.

It’s not that I’m not over him. In fact, I can honestly say I would never go back to him. And I’ve really discovered myself again without him. And it’s not that I’m stuck all aspects of my life. I got offered a great job opportunity, moved to a new city, have really gelled with my new coworkers and made some great friends in a short time.

I just have a hard time letting go of everything – especially something that was such a big part of my life. Perhaps, because I’m afraid that I will forget. Or because part of me, deep down, knows I will never find a connection like that again? Or maybe I’m just scared of failing again? Even though I wasn’t the sole reason my marriage failed, I am partially to blame for sure. Or getting too emotionally attached and getting hurt again?

Here, in my new city, I love that I am not defined by my past. But yet, I can’t shake it.

I am at a standstill and I’m paralyzed when it comes to romantic relationships.

I also have lost a bit of my ability to dream and hope in an aspirational way. I wanted to become so many things when I was younger and with someone who (at one time) believed in me and backed me in my endeavors. But now, I’ve lost a little bit of that drive and feeling. It happened when I lost him.

He took a part of me when he left. And no matter how hard I try, I will never get that back.